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When he pulls away- This is how to respond to build attraction


As women our intuition is almost never wrong.


You're really feeling this guy and perhaps your connection with him has been growing from strength to strength for a while, so this sudden change of lane or pull back is baffling and has thrown you off guard, or maybe you had a disagreement and he got annoyed and pulled back intentionally, whatever the situation, you feel in your gut that something has shifted energetically and you just can't shake it off.


Your friends and family may reassure you that he's probably just busy and to stop worrying, but your gut feeling tells you otherwise, maybe his cute morning texts are dwindling or you just sense a change in his attitude, he's not as warm or receptive as he was before.


If you feel that something has changed, you're probably right, but that doesn't mean you need to panic, or that all hope is lost.


How we respond to the sudden pull back can determine everything in terms of how the relationship will develop, how he comes to view us moving forward, it can even be an opportunity to build on more solid ground.


This is a very common scenario and I have coached many women on how to effortlessly come out smiling even after a guy has pulled away, building an even stronger and deeper connection with their man, so if you would like advice on your specific situation get in touch (opens in new tab).


Let's explore some of the reasons men commonly take a step back and then we will discuss the most effortless and effective way to respond so that you build attraction and demonstrate high value.


The male intimacy cycle


It's worth mentioning first of all that it is natural for men to periodically "pull away" and come up for air when they like someone and are exploring getting to know you. It is an aspect of his pragmatism, he will absorb and evaluate to a point then withdraw to process, in some cases this can even be a signal that things are becoming more serious. Like a wave a man will often pull away before he comes forward more intensely. It may even mean he is considering a deeper commitment, but wants to be certain first. If the relationship was going exceedingly well before this, he seemed smitten and was coming closer and closer, or even starting to talk about your relationship in a more serious and long term way, this may be what you're dealing with.


Is he playing me or stringing me along?


Have you been feeling anxious around this guy for a while? does something about his presence make you feel insignificant or insecure, even if you don't feel that way usually? In my experience most women know deep down, when they are being strung along, even if they haven't been able to admit it to themselves up until now. If you are now dealing with an unexplained break, it's a good time to start exploring these feelings. Yes, sometimes men pull away because they are not serious about our connection but it's important not to jump to conclusions. Instead use this time to journey inwards and ask some tough questions:


Do I feel this man embraces me and likes me for who I really am?


Does he share genuine vulnerability (be careful with this and be honest, some men are masters of demonstrating false vulnerability -with many women) has he expressed things that were sincerely difficult for him in the safety of my presence?


Is he generally consistent or has this felt like ups and downs from day one?


Do I feel seen, heard and cherished?


Has he been flaky for a while now?


Is he trying to get away with treating me as a convenience girl?


Is he really pulling away or have some underlying fears been triggered?


Sometimes when we are swept up in a new and exciting romantic connection, other day to day tasks and responsibilities can be pushed aside, a new crush can feel like the equivalent of crack, both men and women are flooded with hormones and spikes in brain chemicals, such as heavy dopamine, norepinephrine and serotonin, it is difficult to focus on anything else.

We may find that after a period of intimacy and togetherness, we have no choice but to turn our attention back to the other things going on in our lives, the same goes for men of course, we have to keep our lives ticking over. But in the height of lust or even maybe... falling in love, when one suddenly withdraws their energy, perhaps without explanation it can be extremely triggering, especially if we are battling an anxious attachment style or or pre- existing abandonment issues.


What I'm saying is yeah sometimes a guy is just busy but if that's the case, he's still going to make a point to check in, he will (at the very least) elude that he has other things to catch up on- with some specifics, and he will make time for you as soon as it's appropriate, "being busy" is never a valid excuse for ghosting, abandonment or neglect, plus you should always pay attention to that gut feeling....


If you are a healed woman and not easily rattled then pay attention to your gut 100, if you are a little shaky or maybe you just really like him so much it's throwing you off your normal stride, then you may need to dig a little deeper within. I get a ton of clients coming to me convinced that a man is on the verge of exiting when really he's quite present but her inner wounds have been triggered, often something just needs to be adjusted slightly to get the feelings of closeness flowing again.


He panicked


Maybe this situation wasn't in his plans, or perhaps it is moving too fast, he may sense your growing attachment and suddenly feel pressure or he's questioning himself, he may even be questioning if he has what it takes to make you happy, as bad as this sounds it's really not...I have lost count of the number of female clients that come at me for weeks about a particular guy, just to freak out once she gets his attention fully on her, wondering if she even likes this dude, I have even done it myself countless times, honestly I think panic is a signal that we truly do like someone, our emotions are engaged, we are busted out of our comfort zone, all of a sudden out of nowhere we feel the urge to retreat back in to what is safe and predictable. We may even temporarily convince ourselves that we don't want this.


What lies underneath a reaction like this is fear, very normal, natural and understandable fear, that our lives are changing, we are not fully in control. Absolutely terrifying.


You'd be crazy to think men don't experience this too, they do because I hear about it from my male clients too. With a man there can even be added pressure, he may be expected to be the protector, the provider even, whether its emotionally or financially... he may take that upon himself even if you don't have big expectations of him, he has them of himself. It always astounds me how much my male clients as well as the men in my own life put pressure onto themselves when it comes to women.


He may have sensed rejection


Men fear rejection just as much as women do, and for good reason, in evolutionary terms, being rejected from the herd could signify impending doom, as much as we evolve as a species, the fear of rejection is something we all carry deep inside. Ask yourself if you have been dismissive recently, if you have talked excessively about an ex or another guy in your life, or if you have a resting bitch face just a little too often. Honestly it's not a problem and you shouldn't beat yourself up if you answered any of these questions yes. It's not an immovable obstacle or barrier.


Something turned him off


I know this is hard, but humans are weird, honestly I have been turned off by a new guy just because his first point of contact was Snapchat, and not simply his phone number, I used to cringe whenever a man uttered those forbidden words: "Got snap?"...sounds crazy I know, but it creates a certain image in my mind one of a guy who seeks superficial, external validation, prefers disappearing messages and is perhaps a bit immature, that's not the case for everyone! We all have our own hidden neurosis , preferences and unique worldview. Sometimes we are just feeling a person out and observing to see if something clicks, when something hits another's "reject switch" it is no reflection on you as a multilayered, valuable person.


You disagreed or had a fight

Things got heated unexpectedly and now you're kicking yourself, maybe you said some stuff in the heat of the moment, or he flipped your bitch switch. Heated exchanges are not necessarily something that should be feared, they can be a misfired demonstration of underlying passion or the fact that we are we/they are actually starting to give a damn.


What is really important in this situation is to take the time to observe how he responded, did he lose the plot, become verbally abusive quickly or immediately stone wall you? Huge red flag... or was he reasonable and calm, seeking a resolution and actually...it was you that lost control?


It is important to carefully contemplate on the circumstances surrounding the fight and come to a realistic conclusion about what went down, again this is something that coaching can be helpful with.


Take your time to assess what may be going on but only settle on that which resonates with your own heart.


So, what should you do to handle this and build deeper attraction?


Even if you are deeply rattled and bugging out, the key is to handle this with quiet contemplation and above all, confidence.


Take a wait and see attitude, re-center and reconnect with yourself as an individual.


This is not an easy thing to do, which is why so many of us don't do it. Instead we react emotionally.


As a result, a lot of good connections are lost, or they spiral downwards, to the point of no return quickly. This is because our anxiety gets us doing all the wrong things, things that decimate attraction instead of building it stronger.


Every challenge is an opportunity to grow and to come back better.


Reactivity is not your friend when it comes to this situation with men...or any situation with men.


Yep, I'm sure you have friends telling you to "lay down the law" and that his actions aren't fair, but if you like this guy and think you could have a future with him, if he means a lot to you, then deep down you know that getting heavy handed right now is not going to serve you.


So, do the opposite of what every other woman seems to do, this is the key to attraction, it is what enables you to show up as rare...


Breathe, relax, reboot.


There is no urgency in this situation. The illusion that you need to act immediately is born of fear.


Right now, the man in your life is silently communicating that he needs space...so give it to him, give him as much as he can handle. Give him a little more than he can handle.


Don't coddle him or pander to it, don't ask him "if he's okay" every hour on the hour.


Essentially, don't chase him, you are far too much of a Goddess for that.


There's simply nothing sexy about pining for a man, whining, getting dramatic or being passive aggressive.


In fact when we do pine, chase and check up on him, our energy quickly starts to feel mothering.


Look, I get it. As women we are deeply sensitive, nurturing souls, it's one of our superpowers.


The problem arises when our nurturing and attentiveness turns into hyper vigilance.


But if you coddle a man he will quickly get bored, lose interest and lose attraction.


Harsh, but it's just a fact.


Instead, choose not to react to bad behaviors, choose not to enable it, because it's quite honestly, how you encourage more of that.


Simply choose not to rise to it.


Give him his space and in the meantime, choose you, get together with the girls and don't spend the whole evening talking about him, pick up a book or watch a good series, catch up on or modify your exercise regime or throw yourself into your work.


Because I guarantee, if he cares about you he is gonna contact you.


Give him the gift of your absence, give him the gift of the space to miss you.


This might sound too simple or basic, but there is profound power in this approach.


I promise you most women do the opposite, they get angry, put on more pressure or they make it clear they feel moody.


He then understands instinctively that he has a stranglehold on your emotions, and what does he do? he drags it out, he takes longer contemplating if he actually wants this.


Stand in your strength and confidence.


Show him how a real woman and a bad bitch operates.


You can be friendly, if he texts you, respond breezy, then go back about your business.


Work on your happiness, raise your vibration. Socialize, enjoy life. Even if the situation niggles at you...do some journalling or talk to a trusted friend and then release it for a while.


It's very important to deal with your feelings and to not repress them, but that doesn't mean you have to talk to him about it right now.


Put your focus on all the stuff you have been neglecting because you were so wrapped up in this attraction.


By responding this way you will clear your head and start to feel a healthy level of detachment, rather than surrendering to the panic he's triggering.


Then because of that, you flip the script and get him wondering how you're doing.



Before you know it, that awkward text is sitting in your inbox, take your time chick...there's no rush.


At this stage how you respond is everything, get this wrong and his distance may return but handle it right and you can return his interest right back to where it was in the beginning. This is a huge opportunity to make a whole new impression on him. It can even be make or break.


Personally I wouldn't make a huge deal of his return but if his absence was cold or prolonged, definitely allow him to put in the effort to get back to where he was before.


Don't believe me? try it and watch how fast he starts to treat you like his dream woman.


What have you got to lose Goddess?


If you had an argument leading up to his distance and you are regretting the way you handled things, feel free to send him a text apologizing and indicating that you'd like to talk, personally I would keep this to one paragraph. However if it was a disagreement and you don't like the way he responded, it may be time to set some gentle yet decisive boundaries.



Never forget what you're worth angel, sometimes this world turns into a whirlwind, we feel stuck and we don't know how to react, remember to always respond from your self love instead of your fears or triggers, it may take some deep reflection and some inner work but if you can do this you will master your relationships.


As always, I'm rooting for you.


Goddess Vibes, coaching, blog, relationship guidance, dating, support
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