Every day during Coaching sessions, I get the honour of speaking to kind, selfless women, genuinely beautiful souls. who tirelessly hold things down for their children, or care for their parents, are around to give endless advice and time to their friends. They work hard to make sure everyone around them is happy, even sometimes to the extent of neglecting themselves, they are competent and smart and they know what they want. They are the finest examples of bad babes and warriors, there is no doubt about it.
BUT after almost two decades of coaching dozens of women per week, I am still observing that the very traits that drive us to be a rock of support, love and acceptance to our friends and loved ones, often become our very downfall in dating. What do I mean by this? Do nice girls finish last?
Have you ever wondered...
Why do the most loving and caring women often have the most difficult, or even lonely time in love? Why does the woman who looks out for everyone else rarely have someone to just look after her? Why is it that the men we like seem to slip through our fingers while the ones we have no interest in, stick to us like glue? Just this week alone, a gorgeous, kind woman told me:
"Can you actually believe I spent my entire marriage feeling like I had to chase my husband? it was as though he could take me or leave me, Jeez never again!"
Another beautiful and successful woman explained:
" I wasn't even sure this guy was my type at first but he was so sweet and he made a ton of effort, as soon as I began to like him back he ghosted me, what on earth!" The truth is that in dating, being too unconditionally loving, too accepting, too available and too doting too early (or at the wrong times) removes the requirement that he must demonstrate his devotion and earn his place in your life. It also denies you the ability to pace the dating process to use the discernment you need to figure out if there is good compatibility with a man who has decent values, substance and who will appreciate you long term.
I can't tell you how many times women have told me "I don't want to play games! I just want to be myself with him 100%" However this is NOT about playing games at all. Actually it is about a less exhausting, less potentially manipulative and much more real route to adoration, admiration and respect.
Let's talk about the traits of the truly strong woman in dating and love, the type of woman who naturally compels a man to be consistently available and to not mess around or waste her time, remember this is not about a change in your personality, your personality should never be altered for anyone else , it is about your dating values, what you will and will not accept from a potential romantic partner.
Disclaimer: I recommend reading all of these points as a whole, rather than skimming them or skipping to certain ones as this is about cultivating a mindset that men find irresistible, rather than picking and choosing certain parts to work with
She doesn't invest herself too quickly
A strong woman isn't overly dependent and she doesn't dive straight in to seeking a committed relationship as her goal, she realises that it's more important to ensure that she ends up in the right relationship, so she carries herself with an attitude of discernment in the early days, although she allows him to come forward and is welcoming of his efforts to get to know her, she doesn't push things along or allow the connection to move too quickly, she understands that she deserves to find a great match and long term fulfilment, she doesn't set impossible standards for him but she does take time to observe how well they gel with each other and what he is all about.
She doesn't allow men to pressure her to move faster than she feels comfortable with.
She refuses to subtly (or not subtly) devalue herself for his approval Many women live under the misguided idea that she must always be agreeable, sweet and feminine in order to be at her most attractive, but one of the most feminine aspects we can embody is a strong centre and unshakeable self love. One example is if a man is refusing to make you a priority, if he is putting his social life, work etc above you and expecting you to be happy to "fit in" to his life only where he manages to carve out a few crumbs of time, it can be tempting to bow to his wishes, fearing that if we don't he will remain absent. Instead we need to recognise that this is a signal to pull back, to put more effort in to our own endeavours and allow him to step forward again once he can prioritise us properly. A smart woman doesn't constantly accept last minute or late night get- togethers, although there can be fun in occasional spontaneity she grants this only once he has shown she is a priority to him. Sadly the more we allow someone to devalue us, the more we find ourselves on the sidelines. Furthermore, if you continue to be deeply nurturing when a man is devaluing you, you send a message of insecurity and low value which subtly erodes his emotional attraction further. This doesn't mean the man shouldn't be able to have his own life, he deserves to have friendships and experiences on his own but if you are always his final priority it is a red flag that he is taking you for granted or devaluing you. Although the nurturing side of our nature is beautiful, we have to be able to recognise when it has gone out of balance, when we are constantly understanding and overly accommodating even when a man is treating us with much less respect than we deserve, our energy becomes "mothering" rather than alluring and enticing. Push attraction to the max, book a session with me here
She won't waste time explaining or lecturing about how he needs to treat her
An overly nice girl will often try to teach a man how to treat her better, she may say things like "You need to respect me more" or "I wish you would call so I don't worry" but a strong confident woman won't bother to explain the obvious, she won't lower herself to explain common courtesy and consideration to a grown man. Instead she will pull back and go in to observation mode to discern whether the man in question has the maturity and decency to build a future with her, or if he is only thinking of himself and then behaves accordingly in how much time and priority she gives him in her life, this quietly communicates that she values herself and demonstrates that he must take his chance with her seriously or lose it, which inspires him to action. A strong woman also avoids lectures, as this communicates that while she may be hurt and disappointed she is still 100% emotionally involved, it's like pleading with him which does not originate from a place of strength, there is no incentive to correct his actions or lack thereof, a strong woman understands that a little distance leaves him questioning her interest and investment, so he has to step up his efforts to find out where he stands. When she does need to communicate about her disappointments or wishes she doesn't nag or whine, or plead for him to take him seriously, she simply states that she's not really available for, or impressed by that sort of thing and let's it go, allowing him a chance to show her that he is now taking their connection seriously (or he isn't).
Nor does she make excuses for him when his treatment of her is hurtful or inconsiderate.
An overly nice girl may analyse a man's behaviour endlessly to come up with rationalisations to explain his treatment of her, and to make excuses that cast him in a better light than he deserves, in doing this she may give sympathy and forgiveness where it simply isn't appropriate, he comes to see her as a push over and a toxic cycle begins where she is neglected and taken for granted. A big part of this can be a tendency to second guess ourselves, not wanting to be too harsh or overly agreeable, a client told me recently that she just wasn't sure where that line was. I told her that as long as you are not generally an oversensitive person, then anything that causes you pain or suffering is a step over that line. Making excuses for it is a path to self devaluation and lowered self esteem.
She doesn't over extend herself for the sake of "not playing games" (Ladies this one is HUGE)
With quality men, less is more.
Often I find women are ultra scared of appearing uninterested or impolite somehow (when they really aren't), so they brush off bad behaviour, are always sweet and understanding or they text him often, or ask him when he's available to hang out, they share their emotions freely from the start or reinforce that they are "looking for a serious relationship" they then wonder why the man has only luke-warm interest at best.
It's because she threw cold water on his desire to discover her, the sexy tension that comes with no quite knowing if she likes him, and the desire to earn her admiration and interest gradually, which makes him feel wonderful. By over-functioning you remove all the fun aspects of dating that bonds him deeply to you. This originates from fear and a need for certainty right up front.
When I explain this some woman have become annoyed said things like "So I have to play games? become someone I'm not just so he will like me??"
Sorry to break this to you, but being super emotionally open before you really know him, or running after him is NOT who you really are, if it was you would be that way with all guys, and you're not like that with all guys at all. In fact it suggests that strong attraction has caused you to throw your true self aside and overcompensate for him, which creates imbalance. Instead of a centred approach you end up haphazardly acting on impulse.
When it comes to men this is not the real you, the real you is a Goddess and a dream girl, a strong minded woman with her own opinions, preferences, outlook and her own rich and full life who needs an equal to stand beside her, not a dependent she needs to care for, bend to, or suffer for.
Suffering is not love Accepting less than you actually want or being ultra available up front isn't genuine or an attempt at "avoiding games" instead it is a version of you that sacrifices your own needs in an attempt to keep him close, it is a form of subtle emotional bargaining, and ladies that is the real game.
She doesn't fall for games he plays either
Men will absolutely "test" women in the early days to see how interested she is and how much of a hold he has on her, to an extent it is innocent but in some cases it becomes toxic, to do this he may go a day without calling, or mention another woman in passing, an overly nice girl may react emotionally, which shows him that he has her focus hook line and sinker, a strong smart woman will be non reactive which means he has to work harder for her reassurance, it also teaches him that back handed or lower vibrational techniques have no affect on her, he has no choice but to communicate sincerely to find out where he stands, he respects her more for it. A good woman... a strong woman won't keep accepting foolishness, being used or a lack of consideration repeatedly, she will honour herself and know that someone who keeps bringing her problems is probably not ready for a woman like her, and that someone with greater alignment is out there.
Her life doesn't always revolve around him
An overly nice woman will feel guilty when she doesn't drop her plans for the man in her life, she second guesses herself a lot and as a result she alters her life a lot to accommodate him.
A strong woman doesn't need to play games or pretend she is busier than she is, she will make a reasonable level of time for him, but generally her life will remain the same, especially in early stages, she will still enjoy time with her friends, give energy to her personal pursuits and hobbies, or work hard in her job. She isn't so easily moved by a new dating potential that her own interests are tossed out of a window. She doesn't disappear into the man, taking on his schedule and lifestyle, quite literally she doesn't overcompensate, but she does meet him half way and enjoy his company in a receptive state. This way she naturally remains a mental challenge and shows him that she can easily hold her own.
She doesn't lose her cool
A strong woman doesn't need to get upset, scream and shout or beg him to acknowledge her needs and feelings, instead she will simply remove her attention from someone who steam rolls over her needs and shifts her focus to meeting other high quality men to date. A strong woman considers herself single until the relationship has been locked down properly with consistent effort from him. She won't pine or manipulate him to behave better, she is above that. If he steps up his game again he may get a little more priority, he learns that consistent effort and consideration is the only way to keep from slipping off her radar.
She never chases him to correct HIS bad behaviour or neglect
I lose count of how many times a man will do something openly destructive to the relationship, unacceptable, hurtful or demeaning and yet the woman will come to me and explain how many opportunities she has created for him to correct it. Contacting him "to talk" or even giving him a piece of her mind, scolding him on the correct way to conduct himself. Ladies please. A man may not always be quite as emotionally adept as you at times, but he is also NOT an emotional infant, he knows right from wrong, he knows how to apologise, he knows how to raise his game and up his efforts if he wants to. Often if you give the situation enough space the man will come to his senses and correct the problem himself but so many women repeatedly beat the guy to the punch, with high self love and strong boundaries you will be offended enough to take your attention off of him and nurture yourself, prodding him along to do the right thing, or chasing him in moments when he has behaved a much less of a man than he is capable of does nothing to improve the relationship. In fact it only demonstrates to him that you do not know when to set boundaries and draw a line. In other words, he see's you as a push over. This is a red rag to the bull to keep behaving in a way that upsets you, instead of to bring a little more maturity to the table before you get up and leave it.
She understands that the relationship is a two way street and she expects equal effort
Similarly, she won't expect to do all the heavy lifting in the relationship, she doesn't always drive to see him, she doesn't play therapist while he endlessly talks about himself, she doesn't suffer through uncomfortable situations for his enjoyment, or allow him to take take take while she gives, she is strong, confident and dating savvy enough to quietly command a level playing field, where both are honoured and fulfilled, Obviously relationships are not 110% equal every moment of every day, the roles do shift depending on what is going on, but overall you feel as though the other person has your back as much as you have theirs. Read: 8 ways to improve your relationship, get closer and connect more deeply with men (opens in new tab)
She is feminine and kind but has walking power With true confidence and strength comes the ability to be light, playful, fun...easy going (as stated NOT in moments where he is being a tool) but in general, she doesn't need to bring heaviness or anxiety in the her interactions with him. Dating should be fun, when he is considerate, chivalrous and open, she mirrors him by being talkative, attentive and sincere. Men are fiercely competitive when it comes to a woman that he values and wants to secure in his life (even the shy guys) so if his efforts are not forthcoming or she is feeling the need to put in work for him, it may be a signal that she has been over functioning in "nice girl" mode for too long. Basically the only mistake that the too nice girl actually makes is that she operate through fear rather than realising that she is worthy of a great guy and that her confidence is the most sexy quality she possesses. Often then he becomes afraid of losing her because she is never quite under his thumb she remains an eternal challenge to him, a precious aspect to his life that he will work hard not to lose. A strong woman has walking power because she won't accept an unhappy situation just to avoid being single. She knows that as much as a man may have piqued her interest, that no guy is worth losing herself for.
So many of us fall into the trap becoming overly nice and not having strong enough boundaries and self respect, this is because we are afraid that by raising our standards the man in our life may decide we are not worth it or lose interest. When in truth being overly nice is a green light for a man to become unappreciative, low effort and to periodically or gradually check out. Even if he stays we have all witnessed those relationships where a woman loves her guy, yet he makes no effort for her, he may even become openly resentful of making an effort for her, slowly their relationship becomes less fulfilling and more distant over time. The smart woman knows that standards and self love are the ultimate in alluring feminine energy and that this actually safe guards her relationship long term.
If you need some help with this, don't let things gradually get worse, get in touch now!
If you feel like you struggle with over functioning or feel like you are overly nice in dating, or if the man you like came on strong initially then backed away or ghosted, it may not be too late. Get in touch for a high quality coaching session, my super low introductory rate means you get a 50 minute session for as low as £30 ($40), chat to me over the phone from the comfort of your home or on the go!