Updated: Oct 29, 2019
The secrets men never tell!
Have you ever been in a situation with a guy where things started out amazing, the connection was strong from the start, you could tell he was incredibly attracted to you, you discovered things you had in common, shared your stories and your dreams, enjoyed dates and eventually you naturally ended up sleeping together, only for him to withdraw start calling less or just seem to be slowly losing interest even if you couldn't understand what changed? have you ever gone from excited, feeling like you could have an awesome future with a person, only for him to become hot and cold or even slowly acting like he only see's you as a friend with benefits rather than a potential girlfriend? This happens to a lot of women and without understanding what's really going on with him, she starts to worry that men are only interested in superficial attraction, or she begins to feel that keeping his interest on her long term is almost impossible so she must act like the perfect woman 24/7 just to keep him from wandering away, she tries harder to be cute, sweet and flirty, she tries to figure out what is lacking and give it to him, or she tries to be aloof too despite her anxious state.... The weird thing is that at this point the harder she tries to sustain a connection with the guy, the more he drifts away, she hears things like... "I really like you but I don't think I want a relationship" "I have so much going on with work...you deserve someone who has more time for you" "My mind just isn't in the right place right now...I'm only looking for fun" Or he comes on very hot and things get physical only for him to immediately revert back to being standoffish. Once he made excuses to see you and talk to you, now he seems to have a dozen excuses for why he isn't progressing the relationship even though he claims to like you. Yes sometimes he will still try to pursue a physical relationship with you, some women will settle for this for a while hoping that in time he will see the light and realise he doesn't want to be without her. She will accept a fraction of the relationship she wants rather than walk away and lose him completely, sadly things still seem to get worse, although they are still spending time together regularly his apathy grows, in the worst cases she begins to suspect there may be other women in the picture, next thing she knows he meets another woman and boom....from day one he gives her the attention, passion and commitment that he would never give to you. A devastating feeling. She wonders how he could be so heartless when she cared so deeply. Her friends tell her to let him go, that he clearly wasn't that interested from the start, that she needs to move on and find someone that values her, this doesn't resonate in the woman's heart as deep down she knows he was once interested in her, but along the way something shifted...She may take her friends advice anyway only to find that the exact same thing happens with the next guy she meets. This is when a woman really start to lose trust in herself and faith in men, which brings it's own set of problems in her love life. This happens to all types of women, even very beautiful ones...in fact it seems to happen more often to extremely good looking women. So why does this happen? How can a woman create a deeper connection at this point to help him gravitate towards her instead of further away? The key is emotional attraction, knowing what creates it, what sustains it and what destroys it... You have to remember that attraction isn't logical, trying to understand what is going on or trying to tell him how he "should" be acting because of logic will never fix the problem. This about a fundamental lack of understanding of a mans emotional psychology, once you understand this you can be sure nothing like this will ever happen to you again. In understanding this you can flip the entire situation around, so the words "too busy" will never be uttered again, so that he pursues you with intensity and consistency, so that it is him making the dates, texting first and so it is him raising the subject of a commitment. The problem is many women can start off sparking a mans intense emotional attraction when she first meets him and is still in a care free state, but she quickly loses that ability when her own emotions get involved. Below are four things that women unknowingly do, that kill a mans attraction... All of these are reactions to a fear based state of being which truly is the key here. Read on... 1) She dotes on him too much too soon because secretly she doesn't feel good enough
Every woman fears that one dreaded word "neediness" but a lot of us don't realise how very subtle actions can show up as needy in a mans emotional process. A lot of us still don't understand what a man even means when he says "she is needy". Basically what it means is that the woman's desire for a relationship is much stronger than his, even if she is internalising these feelings and thinks he has no idea how powerful her emotions are, he likely knows. It spills out in the way she interacts in him, it is in her energy.
An example of this would be if he pulls you close and tells you he really likes you, and you respond with something like "Do you really like me? because I wasn't sure" instead of a carefree... "Thanks, I like you too!" if little things like this happen over and over again you are actually talking him out of his attraction, making him feel like you are even surprised that he likes you. Or she feels the need to "do things" to push the relationship forward. For example she starts to message him a bit too often or she is always the one to initiate, she becomes super available and begins to give off the vibe that she is waiting around for him, she over extends herself, she stops trusting that he will lead the way and she grabs the reins... she silently communicates that she doesn't believe she is worth pursuing. A woman's true energy always shows through, you can tell a woman who is confident in herself because she is unaffected by the actions and opinions of others, she likes herself and that comes first. When men encounter this vibe it grabs their attention fast because most women are operating the other way. It is also supremely attractive. READ: If you want an amazing love life, stop over thinking! (opens in new tab) There are literally hundreds of examples I could give you but another good one is being unable to take a compliment. I saw the power of this first hand a few years ago when one of my close friends set up a girls night out with me her other friend Zara who I had met a couple of times before, Zara was clearly a stunning woman, long blonde hair, sparkly eyes and legs that went on forever, as soon as I saw her I marvelled "Wow Zara you look amazing!" she smiled coyly and said "nahhh I don't" I was surprised but I meant it so I replied "No, you really do! you are a stunning lady" again she replied "oh no I'm not" this went on for a while by then I was becoming a little irritated so I excused myself to go to the bar. Men hate this sort of attitude, if a man goes out of his way to give you a compliment he likely genuinely means it, being unable to accept or even believe his expressions of awe or desire make you seem insecure, kind of needy and can even make you seem less attractive than you really are, which is what I experienced that evening with Zara, I never tried to compliment her again, or even talk to her after that night. It's the same thing as seeking reassurance, men see through this and feel repelled. Instead of feeling confident and empowered about what she has to offer to him, she lets him quickly become more important than her, which creates a terrible imbalance, her focus is all about how he's feeling she tries to gleam clues from the things he says, the text messages he sends or doesn't send, every action becomes an expression of your shadow side rather than your light, inwardly you don't feel good enough for the kind of man you want, this insecurity and fear based attitude is what men truly consider as neediness, and unless it is mastered from the inside, it will always eventually misfire and drive a man away. Confidence really is the name of the game ladies!
2.) She makes excuses for bad behavior and disrespect or neglect
This is very similar to the first point, it is a behaviour that signals insecurity and low self worth. When a man repeatedly steps over your boundaries and you accept it he begins to lose emotional attraction. What happens is that you find that a guy who was very interested in making you happy and fulfilling your needs instead becomes all about his own needs, he would rather party with his friends, he uses his work as an excuse or he drifts in and out of your life as it suits him. When a woman makes excuses for a man like: "I know he likes me, he is just busy"
" He has blown off another date with me for his friends but it's okay" "He was flirting with her, it's obvious but I know he is just scared of his feelings" She has slipped in to fear based door mat energy, unconsciously this also kills a mans emotional attraction. Deep down he knows that a confident woman would lose interest in him if he repeatedly displayed disrespect and a lack of consideration, that she would cool off and begin to drift away but when a woman is so scared of losing him, she will not only overlook bad behaviour, she will make excuses for it. She may even try harder to win his approval and love, over time he comes to feel that she is emotionally too weak to be his life long partner. He may continue seeing her and even keep being physical with her but the sweet actions and strong intimacy fade more and more. "Nice-itis" does nothing to strengthen a man's desire for you. The only way to show a man that you have strong boundaries is to have genuine walking power, to cultivate enough self love that your hard boundaries become more important to you than your feelings for him. In contrast most women"lay down the law and demand that he respects her" which doesn't work, again you can't use reason and logic to solve an emotional issue. this approach leads you in to your "masculine energy" which leads me on to number 3... 3.) She relates to him from her ego instead of her feminine energy
This usually happens with women who have been badly hurt. She enters a relationship from day one with the mindset that she will not be walked on. She enforces rules, she lectures him on how she expects to be treated before much has even really happened beyond the "get to know you" stage, she warns him that she has been hurt before and wont tolerate any nonsense. She projects her expectations on him, she expects proof of his investment right off the mark he feels like he has to jump through hoops for her and becomes irritable. Often these same women approach dating like a business, they want to schedule dates with the man like a business meeting "for practical reasons", but tell me when you ever felt strong attraction for practical reasons?...I'll wait. Gradually they border on controlling and the guy loses interest. What they don't realise is this screams "issues" it's the same insecurity as point number 1 but expressed in a different way. This approach doesn't come across as strong either, it comes across as overbearing and overly keen, it allows allows for very little spontaneity in the relationship, playfulness is lost. It also strikes him as increasingly self centred on your part and makes him feel less like a man, or an individual but rather a means to an end.
I had a client recently who was acting this way, I told her she was coming on too strong with the guy and that it was the reason for his half hearted interest. Her response was that she was not being overbearing, she was simply being direct because she had enough of "playing games with men" she added that she had tried to play hard to get, follow "the rules" etc and she was done with it and if men didn't like that she would be alone. VIDEO: Why you should NEVER play hard to get in dating (Opens in new tab) Although she thought this was confidence it was actually fear in disguise, I had never said she needed to play hard to get, I am not a coach that teaches playing games. It is not necessary, all this client needed to do with re-connect with her feminine energy while loving herself sincerely, maybe do a bit of healing first and drop the armour she had placed around her heart. She couldn't see this though sadly.
4.) She hit's him with a cocktail of all of the above
A lot of women I speak to will start off strong with a man, the connection is good, he can't seem to get enough of her, her feelings deepen and she becomes impatient, she searches for clues of interest/ disinterest...if she see's even a hint of detachment she over compensates either by putting in more effort with him or by pulling back completely, then she doubts herself and tries to come in strong and lay down the law or she is willing to overlook negative behaviour because she misses him.. She sends mixed signals. For example if a woman has been dating a guy and he has been blowing her off recently and acting distant and she's been secretly "playing it cool" she finally reaches her limit and has a fit at him verbally, for being inconsiderate and for hurting her feelings, things go badly he shuts down, so she decides to ignore him until "he makes it right" she then starts to miss him, question herself and before she knows it she is chasing him again. This is simply not the way to conduct a stable and emotionally healthy connection. When she becomes fearful of what may happen with the guy and loses sight of what she is doing in the here and now, her own anxiety ends up destroying the connection, he will believe in his own mind that he is being reasonable by stepping away and will be baffled by her erratic behaviour, he may keep coming around but it will always feel like he is holding you at arms length to some degree. When a woman is anxious and insecure on the inside it will spill in to every interaction and experience she has with that man on some level, if her internal state is chaotic and panicked she will find that her relationship with the man becomes a reflection of that. He too will be inconsistent and although he may open his heart to a degree he will shut down at a certain point and put up barriers. The connection is confusing and feels like hard work and he begins to shut down emotionally, but because the physical attraction is still on he may not walk away completely instead she becomes just someone to have fun with and not much more. At this stage the woman will tell me she hates the guy on a weekly basis, then the next week she loves him again, this is because she is so ultra invested in his actions that every little thing he says or does has an impact on her...and we are back to "needy energy" she decides men are losers and becomes bitter. She gets even further away from that calm confident state of a Goddess. READ: The natural approach to healing anxiety and depression (opens in new tab) As you can see ladies so much of what happens with men is determined by your energy, a lot of women feel helpless by this and even ask me "why it is always women who have to change?!" It isn't, most of the problems between men and women are due to simple misunderstanding on how each others psychological make up differs, once you understand that you can be more yourself than ever before and still receive love and devotion from men, in reality YOU are the one that holds the power to completely transform things but it HAS to come from within first. It's nothing to be ashamed of if you have found yourself falling in to any of these fear based behaviours, I had to go through hell and high waters with men in my younger years to come to these profound realisations that I am now here sharing with you. When I realised how easy it actually is, I wasn't sure whether to laugh (or cry for my younger self). Although it is always better to start as you mean to go on with a man, if you have found yourself in a turbulent situation with someone and can't let go, get in touch
Do You Want To Know How To Get Inside His Mind
If you want to trigger strong feelings of attraction and adoration in your man, you have to know how to get on the same frequency with him.
Imagine never having to deal with his silent treatment again. (Which is just really code for "I'm angry but don't want to talk about it".)
When you know how to read him and know what he's thinking and feeling, unpleasant situations like the silent treatment will be a thing of the past.
Jade Kelly is a Certified Life Coach and Relationship Consultant based in the UK, She has over a decade of experience in helping women to build confidence in themselves and attraction with men. You can contact us now to book a session by phone, from the comfort of your own home or on the go!