Updated: May 10
Every day women contact me asking what they can do to get closer to a guy who blows hot and cold, comes and goes from her life or generally seems unwilling to move things forward. Maybe his attraction started with a bang and his attention was completely on you, naturally you began to enjoy the feeling of his admiration only for him to withdraw and leave you totally confused. Or if you are feeling stuck and hopelessly attached to someone that only reciprocates on their terms then I understand your frustration. Have you attempted to walk away only for him to try and pull you back in, but then nothing changes?
Sadly, there are a lot of women in this situation and although this behaviour does tend to be a pattern with some guys, no guy is completely insusceptible to the seductive power of a woman's charms (when used correctly!) A few simple shifts in mindset and an understanding of how to captivate men on a deep psychological level can transform a connection like this into a loving and secure relationship that he would never want to risk losing.
The difficulty is that on and off connections lack a more basic level of security and trust but I have observed that those involved with unavailable partners tend to have even more intense feelings of attachment than those in more consistent pairings, but certainly not for the better as there is as much suffering as happiness, it creates such an emotional roller coaster ride, the highs are addictive and the lows over time become unbearable, you never know quite where you are.
There are ways to survive a wild ride like this, but firstly let’s explore some of the reasons that a man may be putting you through it in the first place...
He doesn't know what he wants:
A common reason for mixed signals is mixed feelings, this guy might not be sure what direction their life is taking, or he may not have had enough time to heal from difficult past experiences. If he hasn't made any promises to you about a relationship, he might think it is acceptable to remain casual while he sorts his own issues out. He may like you but for some reason he doesn't feel ready to move things forward. He simply thinks that he’s not ready to get serious with someone.
It’s interesting though how fast we can get ready when we meet someone who knows how to reach us on the deepest level and inspire us to want to embrace love fully! I'm sure we can all think of someone who was happily single until they met a person who inspired them to commit with no hesitation.
He is trying to slow things down:
Guys don’t generally connect with a woman with the goal of a relationship in mind, this happens later from an emotional place when he realises he doesn’t want to live without her, but if he came on super strong in the beginning it was because he was attracted to you and felt a connection.
Often men hit the breaks when it dawns on him that the connection is good and the two of you may be heading towards a more serious level of involvement fast, as a reaction he panics and slows things down. The key is knowing how to keep fuelling his desire even at this awkward phase, otherwise you may find him trying to slow things down to match a pace that is more within his comfort zone, if we allow ourselves to get stuck here, we can drift along in an undefined situation indefinitely or this is where the hot and cold, on and off sort of connection kicks in. You might feel like you’re having to initiate more communication just to remind him of your presence, when there are much more powerful and simpler ways to re-capture his attention.
Insecurity or game playing:
Some men are terrified of feeling vulnerable just as some women are, so they purposely do the hot and cold thing as a way to stay in control of their dating life, by laying his attention on thick and withdrawing he gets validation that your attention is firmly on him (while you feel shaken by his sudden drop in investment!) then he can take his sweet time to figure out his next move, there are literally hundreds of videos on YouTube haphazardly or even callously teaching men how to do this purposely to “keep women on their toes”.
Combine this with a guy who feels secure living the bachelor lifestyle and you have the perfect storm- for BS! He will attempt to use this strategy as a way to keep his options open while he enjoys himself, some men will drag this on for years if you let them while having their cake and eating it, the danger is that is if you allow this to continue, he will gradually lose respect and attraction as you are so easy to manipulate and because you don’t command better for yourself.
Yes, some guys purposely use these tactics with their eyes wide open... Some guys blow hot and cold purely because they enjoy the chase, if a guy goes distant on you and then returns ultra-hot saying he must see you immediately only to withdraw again after you have a date then he's probably attempting to satisfy his ego, it gives him a thrill and makes him feel powerful to see that he can still arouse your interest but inwardly he is still immature and is probably unsuitable for a loving connection.
If a man regularly withholds his attention or proceeds to ignore you after a disagreement, he could be attempting to control you by manipulating your fears of losing him because he lacks good communication skills.
There is someone else:
Of course, when a man starts being inconsistent suddenly, or even if they have been that way from the start, there may be someone else around. This isn’t necessary a big deal if you guys are mutually casual and unofficial but girl, we are not here to share. So, in this situation we need to send a strong signal that we are the better woman for him, then stand back and allow him to make the right decision for himself.
There isn't enough challenge:
Sometimes a particular man just gets under our skin, the attraction is off the charts, he makes us laugh and smile and the conversation flows so easy, suddenly he is all we can think about and yet we have no clarity in sight. If you became hung up on him quite fast and you gradually found yourself doing more to maintain the connection than he is, then this could have caused him to pull back.
Although I do not believe that women should “play hard to get” I do believe that men thrive on the challenge of winning us over and impressing us and it’s important not to step on that process, if you already have hearts in your eyes and he has done very little to connect with you more deeply then he could feel that he doesn’t need to step up or put more effort in for now.
He needs to recharge:
If you have been spending a ton of time together and he has been affectionate, but he then proceeds to withdraw for a couple of days while remaining loosely in contact then he is probably just coming up for air, catching up with his friends and giving his own life some attention, ladies be careful not to jump the gun, just be willing to identify when a guy is consistently inconsistent or vanishes completely for periods.
Above all it is important not to chain yourself emotionally too much to a situation like this, hot and cold behaviour can have even the most relaxed woman anxious or even desperate for answers, sadly the more we fixate and stress the worse things seem to get, so you have to be willing to start detaching and even walk away if things don't improve, I have assisted many women to turn this around but it was done from a fiercely confident mindset and without clinging to any particular outcome.
Don’t underestimate yourself or your powerful feminine ability to stir a man’s emotions in a way that leaves you firmly on his mind, but this cannot be done from a disempowered place where you put him on a pedestal to the detriment of yourself, remember that you cannot change how someone else behaves but you can control how you respond to their actions, and this holds tremendous power...
“When I met Marcus, it was lust at first sight! He was gorgeous but not only that he had the personality to match, we had been chatting online for a while then one day he spontaneously asked if I wanted to meet that evening and I said yes, he picked me up and we went to this cute rustic restaurant on the pier, we had one of those nights! You know where you just talk constantly, laugh and flirt…and stare into each other’s eyes. He was soo lovely. There was this feeling of knowing between us and such comfort! I could be myself with him. Literally it was daylight when he drove back to his city, we even watched the sun come up together.
I was hooked from the start, but honestly it made me nervous because he was so charming and he had about a thousand beautiful women on his social media, he was clearly not short of options. I have never struggled with confidence but with Marcus I came to feel like a girl with a crush, I was this close to doodling his name in my notebook!
We continued chatting online the following week, but he didn’t ask to meet up again until about two weeks later, this time he stayed at my place all weekend, it may have been the most fun I ever had, we played video games, went for long walks in nature, spent time cuddling up and talking. I had never fallen for someone so fast. When he left this time there was a knot in my stomach.
In the days that followed he called me daily and we would talk for hours about everything, all our thoughts and feelings, our dreams and goals for life, I realised we were so aligned and very compatible. There would also be periods where he was unavailable for hours, so I didn’t know if he was dating others, still his life on social media was quite transparent so I knew he wasn’t married or anything.
Sadly the calls began to trail off and I was left with a great deal of anxiety, I had no idea how to lock this thing down without scaring him off or looking too keen, it felt like everything happened on his terms and I was left waiting and wondering what would happen next, unable to stop thinking about him.
Thankfully one of my best friends came to the rescue, she had been having weekly coaching with Goddess Vibes and she had truly levelled up her love life, she recommended that I apply too, it was the best thing I ever did! It was so nice to just spill my feelings to someone so attentive yet impartial, Jade was so encouraging and understanding, not only that but she armed me with tools to start empowering myself and to relate to Marcus with confidence.
When I started coaching Marcus and I had barely spoken in over a week, now I am very happy to say that he is my boyfriend!! He made an official commitment to me at Christmas, five months after that first evening we met up.
If you feel that you have found the right man for you, then don’t just get dragged along in an uncertain situation. I never realised how clueless I was when it came to building lasting attraction, I also realised I had had hit and miss connections for years that eventually fizzled out. I’m so glad I reached out for coaching when I did” ~ Kayla
Let’s look at some steps you can take to keep your sanity while dealing with a hot and cold or emotionally unavailable man:
Firstly get your mindset right.
Uncertain situations like this can be emotionally draining, so it's important to take care of you first and foremost. It can be almost impossible not to obsess about your situation but it doesn't help anything, start to gently take your focus off him and place it back on to yourself, stop letting him occupy your every thought and instead reconnect with your interests. If the guy has a strangle hold on your emotions it may take a few days of training yourself consciously not to let your mind keep wandering to him, but you will quickly start to feel stronger. try not to put this guy on a pedestal above all others. Take a deep breath and refuse to sit around waiting, if he is keeping you in an unresolved situation-ship you must create your own peace of mind and make that your priority above him.
Slow things down.
If he has been distant, you have probably been missing his attention, you may have even found yourself longing to talk to him, when you finally see that long awaited text in your inbox it’s tempting to jump at the chance to meet right away or work overtime trying to win his approval, this in when you should lean back and let him earn your attention. Respond with a warm message at your convenience but remember that if he contacts you after a long period of silence and immediately has your full attention on him, whether it is texting all day or agreeing to meet immediately, you will come across as lacking options and value. You need to stop dropping other things for him, resist the urge to accept a last-minute invitation, prioritise your own time and activities and meet him when you are genuinely free. in the meantime, pull back and stop initiating, get busy and become naturally less available, stay motivated about other things and simply observe the effort he puts forward over a period of time.
Be honest with yourself, does he truly have what it takes to make you happy? A client described to me recently how her unavailable guy had told her he had never felt so strongly about anyone, only to go distant for weeks and return later like nothing happened, this type of scenario becomes maddening as we can be left analysing, questioning ourselves and just as we begin to accept the circumstances he boomerangs back, and it all starts over.
Let it be.
No matter how calm and confident we generally are, this type of situation can have us impatient and doing things we never normally would, so resist the temptation to chase him, a lot of the women I speak to in this scenario will plot clever ways to bump into him or excuses to text, but it is always more transparent than she realises. You may want to feel a sense of control again, but our power comes in accepting that we can’t control every last thing in dating and being willing to let go and flow with our experiences. Resist berating him, as much as you may want to scold him for his flakiness or demand that he answers for himself, anger and guilt trips won't serve to improve the connection between you.
Start allowing "new" in.
Refuse to put your life on hold for even a moment, work to shift all the mental energy you are using on him into positive life improving plans and projects, slowly start giving him less priority and other things more. Not only is this the truly sane way to go but this attitude in very attractive to men, when you respond like this you show him you respect yourself highly and have confidence and options, it shows that he has to be more direct and consistent to keep your interest, this devil-may-care attitude is super alluring, it is actually a pleasant challenge for him, this is completely different to how most women respond in this situation, the opposite of the clingy approach which disarms him and makes you stand out as different.
Keep it interesting.
Resist predictable and dull communication like “how is your day” “hru” “wyd?” etc, nothing sucks the excitement out of a connection faster, instead learn to be a charismatic and unpredictable texter who keeps him truly engaged. Contact me now if you would like some help with this.
Contact me for one on one coaching here. and speak to me on a pay as you go basis! Coaching with Goddess Vibes is an absolute game changer for creating huge transformation in your love life and for getting the commitment you deserve!
Flip the script on him.
When he comes forward by all means give him a positive "hot" experience if you want to, have fun with him, be playful, but keep it short if possible. Then move your mental energy back on to you unapologetically, without showing any attitude, don't explain yourself just enjoy the time you do spend together. If you are following the other steps here you will be feeling stronger and more confident, thus his actions won't have the power to upset you as much. For now, learn to accept the connection for whatever it is, don't worry about where it is going. Remove the pressure from yourself and him, if he enjoys every experience with you without pressure he will keep coming back for more, eventually he won't want to pull away.
If he disappears for days or weeks then expects to dominate your attention the moment he returns, stop allowing it. Some women find themselves in this situation for years because they allow themselves to become an emotional crutch for man, someone to share his thoughts and problems with only to happily go back on living his life leaving her wondering what she even means to him. Be sure he is enriching your life as much as you are enriching his because sometimes when our feelings get involved, we look past obvious selfishness in people. Is he worth the level of thought you are expending at this moment in time? Stop bending over backwards for him.
Have faith in your future happiness.
You deserve a great relationship, not one fraught with uncertainty and anxiety. From coaching I have seen time and time again that the women who refuse to settle for unhappy relationships have the most success in love long term. It's important to resist any dating situation that is bringing you more misery than happiness, accept that he means a lot to you but that now you have to come first, then if it eventuates for some reason that this man can't give you what you need you have still continued to work on your self-development and interests and with so much going on you will transition forwards towards your next relationship much more easily.
Fill your social calendar and enjoy your life
I encourage you not only to be enjoying your life to the fullest with social events and friends but also to be open to meeting other men. In fact, stay open minded always unless a guy has officially asked for a relationship with you. Be selective, take your time. There is no need to tell him you are dating others (unless he asks) but it helps you stay confident and in a mindset of abundance, as you become busier this unavailable man may end up trying to pull you closer so you don't lose interest and by then you may even have a few good dating options.
Don't make excuses for him.
If you strongly suspect this guy is just screwing around with your emotions or is openly manipulating you, drop him like trash, but if you believe this guy has genuine complications in his life, or he is just taking his time, it's fine to keep the communication open and friendly as long as you are not waiting around for him, over the years I have heard women justify waiting around for unavailable men a thousand ways, and I can't recall a single time it ended well, commonly this means putting her life on hold, defending his excuses or pining for more love than he is capable of giving, nothing will kill his interest quicker. Show understanding and maturity if he cannot devote more time for you and then act accordingly until he makes it clear his situation has changed.
Talk to him.
Finally, I know communication is important but, in this situation, I would save it until a last resort because if a man is already drifting in and out of your life, questioning him is probably going to put him on the spot and there's a good chance he will pull away again. Believe that he probably knows what he is doing and if he wanted to explain things, he would have. So, it is better to make a statement about your position on this. Only do this if all else has failed, for example if a man is chasing after you then vanishes for weeks, stop accepting it. When he returns wanting to see you calmly tell him that although you really like him his hot and cold behaviour is starting to put you off. Be willing to end all communication and walk away, if he refuses to even entertain a conversation explaining the situation from his point of view then honey, it is probably worth letting him go.
Although these tips will almost definitely bring that man closer, there is more. If you feel that this relationship has potential despite it's problems, or that he could even be the one for you, then you need to learn the deeper psychology behind why men bond powerfully with some women and have no problem making a serious commitment to her above all others, contact me now for tailored advice on your situation!
Before you go...
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Jade has helped thousands of women to improve their connection with a hot and cold or emotionally unavailable man, get in contact now for a friendly, compassionate and effective coaching session, push attraction to the absolute maximum with the man you are dating or are interested in, sessions are affordable, convenient and highly empowering!