De-centering men does not mean hating men, living a life of celibacy or having to be cold and disconnected, there are many misconceptions around this topic that only serve to keep women stuck in miserable connections where their needs and happiness are only an afterthought.
If you want to have really high quality, fulfilling relationships with men, you need to learn to de-center them.
Men by their very nature are attracted to women who value themselves, prioritise their own happiness and who can even take them or leave them as it creates a pleasant challenge that allows him to keep earning her, over and over again. It also takes additional pressure off and demonstrates high emotional health.
But this is not about them, it's about you, when you turn your focus to yourself, good relationships just happen automatically.
When you prioritize men over yourself you are inclined to suffer deeply in dating and relationships.
Indications that you have overly prioritised a man:
✘ You feel constant uncertainty and anxiety about his level of devotion
✘ You believe it's near impossible for you to find anyone else or love anyone else outside of him
✘ You are only truly happy when you're with him/talking to him
✘ You pull back your energy just to test if he even cares
✘ You are scared to lay firm boundaries because he might walk away
✘ You have found yourself settling for a fraction of the relationship you want because it's better than being alone, your life feels like it's on hold waiting for him
✘ Almost all of your thoughts and conversations revolve around him, even if for the worse
✘ You cannot discuss your feelings or needs because he checks out or feels pressured
✘ You think about leaving but mostly to get a reaction from him, or because living this way has become too painful
✘ Surprises and grand/thoughtful gestures are fleeting to virtually non existent
✘ You overlook the thoughtless or painful things he does out of fear
Many women have bought into the idea that if you de-center men you will end up alone and miserable, but in coaching I have seen again and again that the women who are able to prioritise themselves always get the relationships that are truly worth having.
Relationships where they are treated like a queen, respected, spoiled and taken seriously, nothing is too much trouble and the men are a lot more fulfilled too, this is the reality in my life also, quite the contrast to when I was young and always felt taken for granted and frustrated.
Men are not oxygen and in the wrong dynamic they will bring unhappiness, stress and even sometimes...waste the best years of your life while adding nothing, before moving on -only considering their own happiness. The irony is that most women who fear being single the most/or avoid losing a low effort man at all costs, have the worst relationships.
The truth is: if you treat a man like a celebrity you will always be treated as a fan.
How to de-center men:
✔ Stop hating them
Many of the women I speak to have terrible trauma or a history of abuse when it comes to men, which is always painful to hear and it is never their fault, but it's important to give ourselves the space and resources to heal so that we don't spend our lives hating and resenting men. Hate is not the opposite of love- indifference is. When you become purely indifferent about men, it is easy to de-center them.
✔ Prioritise your passions
Stop putting your dreams on hold because you're waiting to see where things go with a particular guy. Live your life as if your time on earth is limited and precious- because it is, if you dream of travel or launching a new business or project, do it without a second thought. It is not your job to make yourself as convenient as possible for men, it is your job to squeeze every possible drop of joy out of your life, if a man wants you, he will find a way to make it happen regardless of circumstances, otherwise there will be others along the road who align with your new life.
✔ Drop the lack mentality
"There are no good men in my town" or "I have never connected with anyone until him" these are phrases I hear constantly and they are quite simply, excuses we create to rationalise and justify remaining entangled in an unhappy situation with someone, one where we are unappreciated, under-valued and put lowest on his priority list. Not only is this a dangerous way to operate with men, but it gives him a green light to de-value you more and more, the longer we allow this the more we send ourselves a subconscious message of low worth, which erodes our self -esteem. When a woman has an attitude of self love and self focus she tends to encounter great men constantly, because she is truly out there living, rather than boxing herself into a corner to pine over an unworthy man.
I too, lived in a small town with limited options, so I threw fear to the wind and threw my focus into making myself happy, going to events, volunteering, enjoying my hobbies and smashing my goals, suddenly it seemed wonderful men were appearing everywhere and yet I wasn't even that phased, the man I eventually married had to find a way to get my attention and keep it, I was even reluctant to enter a relationship because my life had become so fulfilling.
When you carry this mindset you will always be treated well because men know they have to bring their A game to keep you interested.
✔ Prioritise your community and friendships
Build an entire emotional empire outside of romance, where being involved in community and creating solid friendship circles gives you strong foundations of support, when you have this you will be much less prone to co-dependency in relationships and you will have a safety net if you ever need to exit. Relationships are an energy exchange, when you constantly pour into men energetically (even if it is just stressing, worrying and analysing them) you will overly invest to the point of exhaustion, then if you don't get a return on that investment you will find yourself feeling resentment, unhappiness, even hatred. So use your energy wisely, in ways that enhance yourself and others, never drop or disregard your circle because you begin dating someone.
✔ Keep your walking power
It doesn't matter how good looking or successful a man is, or how much history you have, you should always have the ability to walk away if the situation has devolved into more suffering than happiness.
Men need to understand that even if you love them dearly, you will still leave promptly if he doesn't give you a quality relationship. He will appreciate you all the more for that and will be less inclined to become lazy or neglectful. A woman who knows her value is attractive beyond imagination.
Others can not understand how precious you truly are unless you understand it first.
Walking power means that no matter how much I love you, I still love myself enough to do what is necessary, even if it hurts.
But what if I am in love with him and cannot bare the thought of leaving?
True love is mutual, someone who loves you would want you to be as happy as possible, they would not need you to drop to a lower common denominator simply so they can have an easy ride while you exist in the land of limbo. While all people show love differently, if you feel endlessly uncomfortable and overlooked, you need to take that seriously, you may have to find the courage to accept temporary pain for long term fulfilment...
…and if you need support, I've got you angel
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