This week Rachel asked me:
"I have been reading through your articles and I love your advice but I am starting to feel like the guy I'm dating wants me to chase him, he came on very strong at the beginning but as I began to like him more I noticed he started to leave me on read, a couple of days would pass and he would ask "why haven't you text me?" I found this confusing but I wondered if it was just genuine crossed wires. So I started reaching out more but whenever I did I got a cold response or was left on read again. When we do talk, it's fun, flirty and a bit sexual. He seems very into me but he often mentions how I should reach out more. I'm confused as I had been taking your advice and leaning back but I think this man is just a different breed, he seems to prefer me to be the one doing the chasing. Should I just accept that he's different?"
Be very careful angels, this is 100% a trap that men lay and you absolutely should not fall for it as it will be to your detriment.
I don't always answer questions that are sent to me, but this is something I have heard so many times recently that it needs to be addressed.
No, this man is absolutely not "just wired differently" this is a very conscious strategy that some men use. Yet women find it quite jarring and struggle to make sense of it, it flies in the face of all the advice we hear and read.
Basically what he has done is pull the bait and switch on you.
He comes on strong, is charming, charismatic, romantic, he gets you hooked and then right at the moment where you start to feel secure, even elated. His attention and effort drops significantly, noticeably and you're left wondering what the hell just happened!...and yet he is still there, if he doesn't hear from you for a while he reemerges with sweetness and talking about how much he misses your presence.
Now think about this logically, if a man is dating a woman who he considers to be once in a lifetime, the chemistry is incredible, he's wildly attracted and she has an energy of deep self love and a hint of walking power, do you really think he is going to then proceed to withdraw his efforts, risk losing that woman's interest and potentially see her leave his life?
Nope, he is going to step up his efforts work harder to keep her happy and focused on him. Men are very territorial and they are fully aware that every attractive women has other potential suitors orbiting her energy at any given time. Therefore it doesn't make practical sense that he would choose that moment to silently communicate: "work for me".
So what does he get out of this?
Essentially, time plus validation. When a guy places you in a holding pattern like this it allows him to keep exploring his options, enjoying his own time and not only does he have you secured as one of those options, he has actually positioned you to put in the work so he is free to focus on himself.
Please don't allow yourself to be played this way, especially if you have feelings invested.
Often what happens is someone comes along who understands his psychology and can get him into pursuit mode then he ghosts the other options completely.
So did this connection mean nothing to him?
Either he wasn't taking you that seriously from the start and he enjoyed being able to get you hung up on him for his own ego or you haven't yet learnt how to communicate through your energy that you are a woman he simply cannot afford to lose.
" He called me last night and told me I don't reach out enough so he thinks I'm running game on him and I must have a lot of options. I was insulted because he's the only one I'm talking to, but I don't want him to think I'm not interested because I don't initiate more"
See how this guy just told on himself? Not only is he projecting onto you, revealing exactly the game he is running or has run in the past, but he's also trying to use that to guilt you into doing all the running for him. Toxic.
How many women can say they have been guilted into texting more then when they do it they end up feeling lousy? He wasn't warm and excited to get a text, yet he still popped up later saying he misses you? It's because it lowers his attraction when you're easy for him to manipulate but if you are a part of his rotation he needs to ensure you're not wising up and slipping away, he wants your attention, he's just not willing to work for it, so he breadcrumbs you.
Some men do this deliberately without a rotation simply to get the upper hand in the relationship. What this tells you is that he's choosing games instead of honest communication and sincere effort, which is not a good sign for the long term.
If he misses you so much why hasn't he figured out how to pursue you consistently? Men will move mountains for their dream woman, I have seen men cross oceans for a date, drive hundreds of miles just to spend an hour with a woman, or plot huge romantic proposals in the most imaginative ways.
He's this slick but he's all fingers and thumbs when it comes to working his phone? I don't think so.
Is it too late to salvage this?
It might be, but it also might not be depending on how you have responded. To be honest if you are fairly sure this is a game, I would let him go, or if you suspect that he's just a lazy low effort man then this is a good opportunity to side step him before things go any further. But if this has just started and you are unsure of what to do you may be able to salvage it. The issue is that when someone flips their energy on us in this way, a lot of people... both men and women, respond by becoming more fixated, more invested, they feel like it's some kind of mystery they have to solve or they become insecure and demand more certainty. This almost always backfires it can lead you to a lot of heart break.
There needs to be more awareness on how women get maneuvered into a placeholder or stepping stone position with men, men who are just passing the time with you until he thinks he's met his match and disappears. When you truly understand your value and how to demonstrate it, you are much more likely dodge these games that men try to play and get the relationship you truly deserve.
Sadly, this situation is all to common, if you would like more guidance on how to side step time wasters or to build the sort of attraction that will safeguard you from heart ache of being strung along, then get in touch. My prices are reasonable and my sessions are compassionate and fully confidential. You can book here
