Updated: Oct 29, 2019
Last night while browsing social media I noticed a young woman had posted in a beauty group asking for advice with some problems she was having with her boyfriend, a few people had replied and truthfully I was saddened by how bad the advice was, although these women clearly had good intentions and wanted to help her, I knew instantly that if she did follow what they advised she was going to find herself in an even worse situation, and fast. I did my best to offer her some alternative suggestions but a few hours later the post was removed. Basically paraphrasing her post went like this: "I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about a year and a half now but in the past few weeks I have slowly watched him growing distant, he spends less time talking to me, doesn't text me good night anymore, he just goes to bed. He barely ever holds my hand anymore in the car. Now when I ask him to meet up he seems too busy and always has an excuse. I have tried talking to him and asking why he is being like this but he just makes out that I am crazy for feeling this way. He means everything to me. What should I do?" Not a nice place to be at all
Worse still this lady had been immediately bombarded with a chorus of women telling her she must sit him down immediately for a "serious talk" that she should demand answers and that if he refused to give them to her she should "kick him to the curb" at least half a dozen women had responded this way by the time I saw her post and tons more did the same thing after I commented. I couldn't help but wonder about the state of those women's relationships, in fact some of them had openly admitted that they had found themselves in the same situation as her and had handled their guy in this way and things had ended badly there and yet they were still preaching to her to deal with her situation in the same way, reinforcing that "communication is key".
The thing is, I get it...this is a horrible and scary position to be in with someone you love, and you are instinctively going to want to communicate about it anyway possible or even plead with him for answers, because the uncertainty can feel like it is tearing you apart, but in this situation you have a choice: You can either react to your fears and potentially push him further away or you can do what actually works to draw him closer again. Sinking in to a fearful/needy or demanding vibration is guaranteed to only damage his interest further so what should you do instead?
1: Pull back
I know this a is going to fly in the face of everything you feel like doing initially, there is almost always a sense of urgency and emergency in these situations, to fix things now this is when we start operating through fear, pleading demanding, or doing things that are out of character, we lose touch with our true selves and our true instincts. So it is essential to take a little time to pull back, to compose our thoughts and emotions and even give him a little space to start to miss you, something he probably isn't used to, this counter-intuitive approach will disarm him quickly and get him feeling curious about you, he may worry that his behaviour has pushed you too far and start making more effort immediately. This also gives you a chance to exercise some damage control, when we function in the absolute height of intense emotion we are more likely to do things that will sabotage an already shaky connection, such as begging, accusing or making rash decisions like ending the relationship just to get a reaction, something you will come to regret deeply later when you are calmer. Avoid falling in to viscous cycles, instead take control the correct way.
2: Stop pleading and start -showing- him your value
Regardless of his reasons for becoming distant situations like this almost always arise when we are feeling less than our best most confident selves already, soon we find ourselves in a spiral situation where our negative feelings and self doubt are further exacerbated by him pulling away at precisely the moment we may need him most. This is not a coincidence and it is precisely why we need to stop and collect ourselves. Don't repeatedly ask him what is wrong or if he is okay, you will notice he clams up more when you do this. Remember that you have a history with this man, even if he has lost touch with his feelings for the moment they are still lingering there beneath his confusion, it's time to remind him what a beautiful intelligent soul you are...
One of the fastest ways to jog your mans memory on how much he wants and needs you, is to reconnect with yourself and your personal value. Instead of putting more effort in to your relationship with him, create more time for the activities that make you feel good about yourself. Hobbies you have neglected, friends you haven't had time for or stuff you have been putting off for ages. I know this will be as hard as hell at first and it will be difficult to focus on other things but again this will likely create an almost instant shift in his attitude towards you, he is expecting you to be hyper focused on him in a negative way so if instead you pour your energy in to positive self improvement, not only will he sit up and take notice, you will also start to feel stronger quickly and much less helpless over your life.
3: Raise your vibration
Look I know we are all a little tired of "The Secret" style gurus who cheesily preach about the law of attraction constantly, myself included, but you are an energetic being and your vibratory state is super important to the success you can expect in your relationships and life in general, we are all repelled naturally by excessive pessimism, when we are around someone operating in high vibration it feels wonderful, this is a super power you can cultivate to attract people towards you, any time. Check out this article I wrote on how to raise your vibe here (opens in new tab)
4: Welcome him back without anger
Once you have followed these steps and he starts to come closer to you again (which 9 out of 10 times he will), you may find yourself frustrated or even angry with him for his distance, you might understandably question how he could risk your connection and relationship like that and feel compelled to punish or scold him for it. Trust me the best you can hope for if you do this is that he will once again put space between the two of you, it will not bring him closer, which of course is our main goal here. No matter how much a man loves and adores you he will sometimes have moments where he wants to feel independent and autonomous, he is human after all, I have said it before many times and I will say it again: emotions are not logical. If you become that woman that berates him for experiencing emotions that cause you to feel threatened, his attraction and love will begin to fade over time, you will become less confident in his eyes, more insecure, dare I say it?... more needy even, neediness is one of the fastest ways the human attraction is switched off for good, this is why it is so important to feel secure in your worth before you find a partner, so that you don't suffer twice over. No man wants to feel controlled, he wants to feel that he is with you because he chose to be. If you think about it this is why women are often repelled by men who are overly nice and overly keen, a good man is great but an overly nice guy is usually displaying low value and low self esteem which instinctively turns us off, even if we can't easily explain why eg: "he is so nice I don't know why I am just not interested". It can be difficult to rationalise feelings. You will likely come to a point quite quickly where the intense emotions have blown over a bit and you can both discuss what happened calmly and without repelling each other or casting blame, but for now allow him to come close and feel how wonderful it is to be intimate and connected so that he instinctively wants to keep returning to be close, no matter what challenges you face together.
5: Get support
It's important not to feel alone in your struggles and to have people to talk to about your worries and fears, but getting the right support is crucial, this is why what I witnessed with this poor lady on social media stuck in my mind, because the wrong support can be devastating, I have no idea if she took all the "advice" to "lay down the law" "put him in his place" or "threaten to dump him if he didn't start acting right" but I truly hope she was smarter about it and found a way to reconnect with her guy without losing him for good.
This is why speaking to an impartial and experienced Life coach can make all the difference, you can contact me to book a session here, my sessions are effective, to the point and I keep my rates reasonable as I believe all Goddess's deserve to thrive and feel cherished in their romantic lives.