How to grow beyond the dreaded 'pick me' mindset for good

The pick me woman mindset is rooted in the subconscious absorption of sexist and patriarchal programming which seeps in to the psyche gradually from childhood, and is often reinforced (shockingly) by other women around us, quite literally the pick me woman craves admiration and acceptance from men to an extent that she will even throw her sisters under the bus to get it. Her mantra is “I’m not like other women” yet she is quick to abandon her identity in a heartbeat to please a man, to merge with him completely to the point of losing herself. What’s crazy is that men don’t even respect women like this, and they rapidly lose attraction, which in turn can breed a monster of co-dependency and drama as she does everything in her power (even if it means resorting to manipulation) to keep him.

“Pick me” is a term I hate personally, and it isn’t the fault of women that this frame of mind has become so prevalent in dating, it is a symptom of an evolutionary response or a now outdated means of survival, which I will explain in more depth in this masterclass, that said it is our responsibility to change it, because this mentality will get you hurt repeatedly.

Pick me women often preach “femininity” to the point of subservience and don’t even realise they are operating fully in their masculine energy… (more on this later).

Last week I got a message from a long-time reader that said:

“Jade I absolutely love the Goddess Vibes masterclasses, they have drastically elevated my understanding and increased my wisdom but this is hard to admit I have to be honest, sometimes I still feel like a “pick me” even though I know better. It’s difficult not to slip back into old habits, I know you have touched on this in your classes but I was hoping you could go into more detail, I need to break this cycle. I am ready to embody the high value woman fully, I’m just not sure how to apply it in ordinary situations. Please help” – anonymous

I have real compassion for this reader as I think we have all identified with this feeling at some point in our lives. It certainly took courage to reach out and admit this, but I’m receiving more questions like this every week and it suggests that there is a big transformation happening among women, one that demonstrates they are ready to break the ties that bind them and step fully into their feminine power. We cannot embrace growth by denying our shadow aspects as this only gives more gravity to the less desirable aspects of our subconscious motivations, so they end up ruling our lives, it’s making the darkness conscious that results in real and lasting change. With that said you are born to be a man’s equal and opposite, not to be the maid and certainly not to be his lapdog.

I have talked a lot on this blog about the hazards of over-functioning in dating, we all want to be loved and sometimes we attempt to be more agreeable, more sexy and more accommodating to gain approval, but if we don't learn how to empower ourselves and grow into a more high value energy when dealing with men, we risk devolving into pick me type behaviours.

So, let’s delve into what a pick me is, how we get stuck here and how we can switch lanes out of this mindset once and for all. We will even touch on some of the dangers of bringing this energy into dating. This is an 18 page masterclass that delves deep so get ready...

First of all, let’s get clear on the indicators of a “pick me” mindset:

Some women don’t have a pick me mentality per se but because of societal programming and cultural “norms” but they do give off pick me energy at times so check these indicators carefully.

Feels the need to prove herself

A pick me woman overextends herself to show what a wonderful partner she will be, spoils the man in her life, compliments him, checks up on him constantly and mothers him, refuses to criticize negative actions and verbal abuse or stand up for herself, she tolerates disrespect and often tries to defend the man in her life, and even resorts to psychoanalysing him as a means to justify his mean behaviour and cruel treatment of her and others, rather than admitting that they have gambled on a guy who lacks basic decency. Some pick me women even turn their man into a victim in their own minds to rationalise his bad character. From almost day one she prioritises him above herself and it gets worse from there.

Quite literally, a pick me woman goes out of her way to achieve the acceptance, validation, and attention of men at all costs. Being single is terribly uncomfortable so there's a tendency generally to throw themselves into one relationship after another.

Constantly second guesses herself and how to treat men

Pick me women become obsessive very quickly and make their love interest their full time “project”, often to the detriment of the activities and goals she was passionate about before meeting him. Questions like Should I text/call/should I ask him to come to this show I have tickets for etc, are constant, “I wonder what he would think of this dress/song/etc” she is unable to talk about anything else but him for very long. Tortures herself with questions like “should I get him a valentine’s day gift even though we have only been dating for 3 weeks and he hasn’t even mentioned it?” Pick me women find dating excruciating at times because they cannot be natural in their confidence, everything is overthought, over engineered, she secretly feels like she needs to plot to stay worthy or relevant. There is a deep underlying sense of dissatisfaction in love that's always present and only pacified by male recognition.

Being in pick me energy is a very uncomfortable, fearful, and low vibrational way to function.

Follows blindly and loves blindly

Pick me women frequently tend to choose men that don’t care about them or have nothing to offer, and they are easily charmed by very little, a few smooth words or a spate of flattering texts and she is putty, she neglects to discern the man carefully, red flags are dyed pink or justified, where a high value woman is heavily turned off by thoughtlessness or lack of decency, a pick me woman ignores these warnings and allows herself to become even more invested. Covertly, she may have a mindset of: “He’s a man so he can do as he likes”.

Pick me women are motivated and won over by attention, yet they fail to pay attention to substance.

They don’t just accept bare minimum from men, they praise them for it.

Puts huge focus into external appearances and presenting herself as desirable but neglects the inner work

Pick me women put a lot of effort into looking perfect for men, where high value women put time into self-care for themselves, pick me women can be identified easily because if she knows she might bump into her crush or the guy she likes wants to come over late she is straight out of her heart PJ's and on with the make-up and hair extensions. It’s all for him, it’s not about feeling good herself or putting in effort because she feels she deserves it, it’s always about creating the right image for “her man”.

These women constantly treat themselves as second class then wonder why they live with a gnawing ache of low self-esteem.

A high value Goddess is true to her own unique style, regardless of whether it’s about what men like or not, a pick me woman throws out her individuality and unique expression, then proceeds to style herself only to be appealing to others.

Pick me women neglect to examine their own subconscious motivations, why they are placing (often low value) men on a pedestal, where her mindset originated from, who she really is, what she wants, what her true needs are etc, where she has deep grief and needs healing or to do work with a coach or therapist because men are a band aid for everything, her own heart and mind are drowned out with the deafening sound of her need for approval and her desperation to be picked.

Loyal to a single man or a married man

I understand that sometimes we fall in love with someone that we didn’t intend to, and that is not something we always have control over, but your self love must be placed before your feelings for a man.

A huge indicator is being loyal to men that are not even yours. Women regularly come to me for coaching talking about a man who is treating her as an option or even a side chick, and I always set out to arm her with the tools to show him that she is a once in a life time woman, including simply adding this man to a rotation and dropping him down her priorities. Often they drown out every word I say except that and tell me they can’t possibly even comprehend of the idea of dating other men.

Quite frankly, we get what we settle for, fundamentally what this communicates is that we don’t even value ourselves enough to be someone’s number one, in fact we value them so highly above ourselves that we are willingly subjugating ourselves for their approval. The irony is that any woman who has put herself in this situation knows that the longer we do this, the less that man respects us, his interest waivers and we end up experiencing him wandering off to give another woman everything he wouldn’t give to us. Why? Because she brought something more interesting, self-love, boundaries and a backbone.

Pick me’s have repeated issues with other women

Most brazenly claim that they only chill with men because women are too much drama, honestly any woman who preaches this needs to stop acting like a pick me and pick up a history book once in a while. Pick me women are easily roused to jealousy, they find it hard to tolerate when another woman loses a dramatic amount of weight or has a glow up, or succeeds in a big way, they find it difficult to praise and compliment other women and even slut shame, body shame, tell women to cover up or tell her the way she dresses is unattractive. They try to control other women, telling them their behaviour is not “ladylike” and men won’t like it (honestly, who gives a shit?) *Laughs*. These pick me women work hard to keep other women in-line for (often unworthy) men.

Some women have no issues or insecurity with their feminine energy and fully embrace the yin and yang. A secure person doesn’t need to be told who they are, so this control and disapproval is only annoying to them.

In all seriousness though, this constant need to police others stems from a deep seated and terribly uncomfortable feeling of having to be in competition with other women. It is routed in deep insecurity and a feeling of unworthiness.

Extreme people pleasing and co-dependency

The controlling need to police others is often interspersed and interchangeable with an overly anxious need to people please, which is just the opposite extreme of the same problem- a feeling of deep-seated unworthiness. Pick me women have found a way to glamourize co-dependent relationships and will go out of their way to make life more comfortable and convenient for the people around them while suffering in silence in the name of love, they are always super quick to become martyrs.

Some even resort to open relationships or letting their boyfriend/husband date others

…because competing is just too exhausting, pick me women will often settle for relationships or marriages where they have to say, “well I don’t like it but I turn a blind eye” firstly because they have drunk the Kool Aid of exaggerated male entitlement and because in turn women have become such an overarching threat to their happiness that they develop an, “if you can’t beat them join them mentality” otherwise they work full time to ward off any perceived threat.

Want to read more?

Subscribe to to keep reading this exclusive post.

Subscribe Now
Pink Brushstroke Fashion Influencer YouTube Channel Art.png