The pick me woman mindset is rooted in the subconscious absorption of sexist and patriarchal programming which seeps in to the psyche gradually from childhood, and is often reinforced (shockingly) by other women around us, quite literally the pick me woman craves admiration and acceptance from men to an extent that she will even throw her sisters under the bus to get it. Her mantra is “I’m not like other women” yet she is quick to abandon her identity in a heartbeat to please a man, to merge with him completely to the point of losing herself. What’s crazy is that men don’t even respect women like this, and they rapidly lose attraction, which in turn can breed a monster of co-dependency and drama as she does everything in her power (even if it means resorting to manipulation) to keep him.
“Pick me” is a term I hate personally, and it isn’t the fault of women that this frame of mind has become so prevalent in dating, it is a symptom of an evolutionary response or a now outdated means of survival, which I will explain in more depth in this in-depth article, that said it is our responsibility to change it, because this mentality will get you hurt repeatedly.
Pick me women often preach “femininity” to the point of subservience and don’t even realise they are operating fully in their masculine energy… (more on this later).
Last week I got a message from a long-time reader that said:
“Jade I absolutely love the Goddess Vibes masterclasses, they have drastically elevated my understanding and increased my wisdom but this is hard to admit I have to be honest, sometimes I still feel like a “pick me” even though I know better. It’s difficult not to slip back into old habits, I know you have touched on this in your classes but I was hoping you could go into more detail, I need to break this cycle. I am ready to embody the high value woman fully, I’m just not sure how to apply it in ordinary situations. Please help” – anonymous
I have real compassion for this reader as I think we have all identified with this feeling at some point in our lives. It certainly took courage to reach out and admit this, but I’m receiving more questions like this every week and it suggests that there is a big transformation happening among women, one that demonstrates they are ready to break the ties that bind them and step fully into their feminine power. We cannot embrace growth by denying our shadow aspects as this only gives more gravity to the less desirable aspects of our subconscious motivations, so they end up ruling our lives, it’s making the darkness conscious that results in real and lasting change. With that said you are born to be a man’s equal and opposite, not to be the maid and certainly not to be his lapdog.
I have talked a lot on this blog about the hazards of over-functioning in dating, we all want to be loved and sometimes we attempt to be more agreeable, more sexy and more accommodating to gain approval, but if we don't learn how to empower ourselves and grow into a more high value energy when dealing with men, we risk devolving into pick me type behaviours.
So, let’s delve into what a pick me is, how we get stuck here and how we can switch lanes out of this mindset once and for all. We will even touch on some of the dangers of bringing this energy into dating. This is an 18 page masterclass that delves deep so get ready...
First of all, let’s get clear on the indicators of a “pick me” mindset:
Some women don’t have a pick me mentality per se but because of societal programming and cultural “norms” but they do give off pick me energy at times so check these indicators carefully.
Feels the need to prove herself
A pick me woman overextends herself to show what a wonderful partner she will be, spoils the man in her life, compliments him, checks up on him constantly and mothers him, refuses to criticize negative actions and verbal abuse or stand up for herself, she tolerates disrespect and often tries to defend the man in her life, and even resorts to psychoanalysing him as a means to justify his mean behaviour and cruel treatment of her and others, rather than admitting that they have gambled on a guy who lacks basic decency. Some pick me women even turn their man into a victim in their own minds to rationalise his bad character. From almost day one she prioritises him above herself and it gets worse from there.
Quite literally, a pick me woman goes out of her way to achieve the acceptance, validation, and attention of men at all costs. Being single is terribly uncomfortable so there's a tendency generally to throw themselves into one relationship after another.
Constantly second guesses herself and how to treat men
Pick me women become obsessive very quickly and make their love interest their full time “project”, often to the detriment of the activities and goals she was passionate about before meeting him. Questions like Should I text/call/should I ask him to come to this show I have tickets for etc, are constant, “I wonder what he would think of this dress/song/etc” she is unable to talk about anything else but him for very long. Tortures herself with questions like “should I get him a valentine’s day gift even though we have only been dating for 3 weeks and he hasn’t even mentioned it?” Pick me women find dating excruciating at times because they cannot be natural in their confidence, everything is overthought, over engineered, she secretly feels like she needs to plot to stay worthy or relevant. There is a deep underlying sense of dissatisfaction in love that's always present and only pacified by male recognition.
Being in pick me energy is a very uncomfortable, fearful, and low vibrational way to function.
Follows blindly and loves blindly
Pick me women frequently tend to choose men that don’t care about them or have nothing to offer, and they are easily charmed by very little, a few smooth words or a spate of flattering texts and she is putty, she neglects to discern the man carefully, red flags are dyed pink or justified, where a high value woman is heavily turned off by thoughtlessness or lack of decency, a pick me woman ignores these warnings and allows herself to become even more invested. Covertly, she may have a mindset of: “He’s a man so he can do as he likes”.
Pick me women are motivated and won over by attention, yet they fail to pay attention to substance.
They don’t just accept bare minimum from men, they praise them for it.
Puts huge focus into external appearances and presenting herself as desirable but neglects the inner work
Pick me women put a lot of effort into looking perfect for men, where high value women put time into self-care for themselves, pick me women can be identified easily because if she knows she might bump into her crush or the guy she likes wants to come over late she is straight out of her heart PJ's and on with the make-up and hair extensions. It’s all for him, it’s not about feeling good herself or putting in effort because she feels she deserves it, it’s always about creating the right image for “her man”.
These women constantly treat themselves as second class then wonder why they live with a gnawing ache of low self-esteem.
A high value Goddess is true to her own unique style, regardless of whether it’s about what men like or not, a pick me woman throws out her individuality and unique expression, then proceeds to style herself only to be appealing to others.
Pick me women neglect to examine their own subconscious motivations, why they are placing (often low value) men on a pedestal, where her mindset originated from, who she really is, what she wants, what her true needs are etc, where she has deep grief and needs healing or to do work with a coach or therapist because men are a band aid for everything, her own heart and mind are drowned out with the deafening sound of her need for approval and her desperation to be picked.
Loyal to a single man or a married man
I understand that sometimes we fall in love with someone that we didn’t intend to, and that is not something we always have control over, but your self love must be placed before your feelings for a man.
A huge indicator is being loyal to men that are not even yours. Women regularly come to me for coaching talking about a man who is treating her as an option or even a side chick, and I always set out to arm her with the tools to show him that she is a once in a life time woman, including simply adding this man to a rotation and dropping him down her priorities. Often they drown out every word I say except that and tell me they can’t possibly even comprehend of the idea of dating other men.
Quite frankly, we get what we settle for, fundamentally what this communicates is that we don’t even value ourselves enough to be someone’s number one, in fact we value them so highly above ourselves that we are willingly subjugating ourselves for their approval. The irony is that any woman who has put herself in this situation knows that the longer we do this, the less that man respects us, his interest waivers and we end up experiencing him wandering off to give another woman everything he wouldn’t give to us. Why? Because she brought something more interesting, self-love, boundaries and a backbone.
Pick me’s have repeated issues with other women
Most brazenly claim that they only chill with men because women are too much drama, honestly any woman who preaches this needs to stop acting like a pick me and pick up a history book once in a while. Pick me women are easily roused to jealousy, they find it hard to tolerate when another woman loses a dramatic amount of weight or has a glow up, or succeeds in a big way, they find it difficult to praise and compliment other women and even slut shame, body shame, tell women to cover up or tell her the way she dresses is unattractive. They try to control other women, telling them their behaviour is not “ladylike” and men won’t like it (honestly, who gives a shit?) *Laughs*. These pick me women work hard to keep other women in-line for (often unworthy) men.
Some women have no issues or insecurity with their feminine energy and fully embrace the yin and yang. A secure person doesn’t need to be told who they are, so this control and disapproval is only annoying to them.
In all seriousness, this constant need to police others stems from a deep seated and terribly uncomfortable feeling of having to be in competition with other women. It is routed in deep insecurity and a feeling of unworthiness.
Extreme people pleasing and co-dependency
The controlling need to police others is often interspersed and interchangeable with an overly anxious need to people please, which is just the opposite extreme of the same problem- a feeling of deep-seated unworthiness. Pick me women have found a way to glamorize co-dependent relationships and will go out of their way to make life more comfortable and convenient for the people around them while suffering in silence in the name of love, they are always super quick to become martyrs.
Some even resort to open relationships or letting their boyfriend/husband date others
…because competing is just too exhausting, pick me women will often settle for relationships or marriages where they have to say, “well I don’t like it but I turn a blind eye” firstly because they have drunk the Kool Aid of exaggerated male entitlement and because in turn women have become such an overarching threat to their happiness that they develop an, “if you can’t beat them join them mentality” otherwise they work full time to ward off any perceived threat.
I remember seeing a status on Facebook years ago and it has stuck in my head all this time because I found it so shocking. It was by some distant friend of a friendthat I had added years before and never spoken to, there had been a huge drama in their family years before when the father of her child left her for her friend, years on she was in a new relationship, and she had written…
“If you text my man you’ll be dealing with me because you better believe I didn’t put this time and work into him just for some other woman to come along and benefit from it!”
Now, I absolutely get that this woman was likely still working through some serious trauma and some big confidence issues, she had been through a lot but still, seeing a woman talk about her partner in this way truly disturbed me. Firstly, this guy is a grown man, not a child, she had absolved him of all responsibility to be loyal to her and instead was warning women that she would “fight for her man” even if he was more easily led than water on a downward sloping terrain. It was such a cringe worthy example of defending weakness and mediocrity, I often wonder if she ever wised up and realised, she was trying to polish a turd.
Of course, my overwhelming instinct was to reach out instantly and offer her coaching, but I never solicit clients, so I held my tongue.
Shifts or builds her identity based on the guy she is dating
A pick me will absorb her boyfriends’ interests, opinions, phrases of speech, his style of dress or the style he determines he likes on her, she listens to his music, latches on to his friends in an inorganic way, she may even change career paths or abandon her career dreams to focus on him and so that she can devote more time to taking care of him. She is so susceptible to his opinions that she will literally alter her very essence to satisfy him, even if the guy in question has no clue what he is doing and leads her down a road to nowhere. Authentic relationships are a meeting of minds, they bring more balance to us as individuals because of the huge levels of support and encouragement that both partners give to each other, she strengthens him he strengthens her. In a pick me relationship, a woman will wilt to develop her man, while her needs are not even considered, yet she will tell herself this is a noble existence and continue worshipping in her newfound religion.
Preaches submission onto other women
Top level pick me’s will tiptoe around the fragility of the male ego to such a degree that she actually preaches deficiency onto other women. “Don’t be too successful or earn too much as he will feel threatened.” Only weak men feel threatened by you thriving as a woman, emotionally strong men revel in seeing their woman winning. I observed this a lot when I was researching Kevin Samuels (RIP) for my article: 'Dating: Why you should avoid the red pill wounded men cult like the plague'. The comments on his videos were filled with women preaching that other ladies should “listen to this man even if they don’t like what he has to say” any woman who betrays her fellow women to kiss the backsides of misogynist coaches like this are pick me’s beyond help, no question. It’s like a “look at me I’m one of the guys” gullibility, those men may support women on those threads as they assist in massaging their egos in the moment but in reality, they don’t respect them, they are the butt of the joke and enablers to women being disrespected and devalued as a collective, complete traitors. Women like this embody the very worst aspects of a pick me.
Only weak men feel threatened by you thriving as a woman
This only applies to a fraction of women thankfully, but I have even witnessed pick me type women shaming others for rape and sexual assault, for example when high profile sexual abuse scandals emerged, even when there were minors involved, I have observed women who actually questioned what the victims must have done “to deserve it”. This is extreme, but it’s generally where this line of thinking ends up if it is not corrected, with a woman becoming the spokesperson of misogyny and actually perpetuating the oppression and trauma cycles of their own gender.
Pick me’s usually feel justified in manipulation
Because pick me women give so much of themselves they often feel justified in manipulating their situation and relationships, although they create the illusion of giving without strings, deep inside they are keeping score, everything they have given up, all that they have sacrificed and the deep well of unhappiness inside can only be filled by more martyrdom, as a result they often manipulate their partners ideas, personal relationships and lives. This is a toxic side effect of living vicariously through someone else, it inevitably breeds resentment and helplessness even if it is completely internalised. In time toxic behaviours and control become a way of life, which turns into highly masculine energy. I was watching a video recently about a woman who said she spoilt her man like a baby, she packed his bags, she cooked his meals on the dot each day, she stroked his back until he fell asleep, she ran his planner etc etc, I began to realise that this woman wasn’t submissive at all, she was controlling and incredibly masculine. Submission is an agreement to trust your partner to take the lead, and to make the major decisions of life while valuing your input, it is not micromanaging every aspect of his life, that is actually controlling dominance in disguise. It’s toxic masculine energy in action.
The dangers of being a pick me
This is such an important subject, so if I have been hard about it it’s because I wish to shock some women out of the pick me mentality once and for all, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have sympathy for all women, and the dangers of living in this mindset are damaging on many levels and I have observed women going through the after effects of operating in this misguided and painful way, more times than I can count, which is why I feel so passionate about it.
Pick me women attract predatory men
Scientific studies have shown that when we develop a crush on someone it is a similar addictive feeling as hard drugs stimulate in our brain chemistry, but being able to keep our feet on the ground is our protection, so a willingness to blindly follow men without true intuitive awareness about his character or what he is willing to give, plus his views on relationships, means we hand over a disproportionate level of power to someone who may not be at all equipped to manage it. Respect should be earnt and not just freely given, predatory men will latch on to women like this and exploit them for everything they can get.
Pick me’s often get cheated on, they get abused, taken for granted
Pick me types generally fail to understand what attracts men on a real level, her overt subservience is actually born from fear that she still doesn’t understand how to keep a man, she may cook, she may clean, but not because she enjoys it... to impress him, she may preach that she is the best sex he’s ever had and talk about how she is “wifey” and yet men still leave her, because she's missing the point when it comes to the most simple truths about what really makes a woman stand out. She gives more and more of herself because deep down her shaky confidence is fully derived from what men think of her.
It's true, pick me women don't get picked.
Genuine men cannot respect a woman like this or take her seriously, he might tell her she’s different or amazing, while feeling she is just a carbon copy of every other woman he's dated, he gradually loses interest or treats her worse over time, which means Pick me’s struggle to keep men interested. So, not only does it attract predators and abusive men, but they are much more likely to accept a deteriorating respect, love and loyalty. Low self-esteem means easily weakened limits and boundaries. Predatory men are all about pushing limits, gradually and exponentially degrading their victims.
Then, because they put so much of themselves into the man they have no recourse, no escape, and they become increasingly co-dependent financially and emotionally. If you and your partner have an agreement that he will provide that is fine, but I would advise all women to at least have some savings set aside, and to ensure that her partner is respectful, loving and generous before she ever gives him full control over her ability to provide for herself. The only thing more frightening than being in an abusive relationship, is being unable to escape from it.
They overly identify with ego and false standards
A major indicator is huge identification with ego or a sense of supremacy over other women. A huge part of attraction is the standards you set for yourself, pick me women tend to preach high standards but then when a man does something appalling like cheating or disrespecting them, not only do they not even get angry or only become temporarily agitated, they respond by plotting on how they can re-engage his interest, these women are quick to specify all the things they wouldn’t tolerate then they get into a bad relationships and these artificial standards fly out the window. Pick me women tend not to draw a line when it comes to poor treatment, although they may say, “this is how I expect to be treated” they fail to become turned off when men cross that line. If anything, they cling tighter to him. Instead, she constantly reinforces that others are wrong “his mother didn’t know how to love him,” “his ex left him unable to open up,” “other women are to blame” etc, stop absolving these grown ass men of responsibility over their own lives and emotional world.
Pick me women make terrible friends
You may be reading this and discovering that certain women you know keep coming to mind, I’m all for a live and let live attitude in most cases but pick me types make terrible friends. They give awful advice, they are quick to drop you for male attention and will suck up your time and friendship, needing counsel when they encounter rejection only to drop you again when a new guy comes on the scene. They may subtly put you down and damage your self-worth, some will even humiliate you in front of your partner or make moves on him behind your back. Essentially in a friendship like this their need for male validation bleeds into everything. Pick me women can be seriously detrimental to your happiness and well-being.
"I’m not like other women"
There’s nothing wrong with being like other women, and most of the women who say this are simply just like other pick me’s, having a strong group of loving and supportive women who have got your back is a superpower in life. But generally, birds of a feather flock together, so if we are motivated by the attention of men to the point of being a pick me, we are going to attract women who think the same way, so then is it any wonder some find it hard to trust women?
How to break the cycle
Whether you see yourself in these indicators or not, the fact that you are even here reading this site shows how much you value truth, growth and improvement. Trust me when I say that this is the mindset of women that end up winning in life and get the best relationships in the end. It’s so easy for us to keep saying nothing is wrong, or to always blame others and not so easy to take charge and make it our responsibility to ensure we get exactly what we want and deserve, but that is a life changing decision to make for yourself.
If you do see some of these indicators in yourself, it’s okay. Most women have been there to some degree, I went through a realisation in my twenties that I was beginning to heap an unhealthy amount of emphasis on impressing men, because I wanted to find a happy relationship and a good connection so much that it took over, not surprising I had a really tough time with men during that time, my self-love wasn’t high enough to be able to put my own happiness before arbitrary men, which seems ridiculous looking back, but at the time it didn’t even occur to me that it was unhealthy and unbalanced.
Realise that you have a choice
Deciding that it’s time for change, committing, and accepting whatever challenges arise on our journey, is a game changer.
In a world where we have the freedom to become anything we want, where women can be doctors, lawyers, business owners as well as mothers and wives, where we are outdoing the accomplishments of previous generations tenfold, we need to also raise our game when it comes to mindset about our dating world and relationships, or more accurately we need to drop that which is no longer serving us, and get serious about what we are willing to accept and tolerate from men, and where we get our sense of value and security from. In many ways, we have remained collectively stuck in very old fashioned and outdated view points when it comes to love, and some men are taking full advantage of it, yes some men will actually manipulate women deeper into this mentality because it benefits them.
If you have found yourself slipping towards this way of thinking, it is time for some deep introspection and inner work, and yet even learning the qualities of pick me energy can go a long way for us in realising where we are falling down, to stand back up so that our rehabilitation can be effective and not drawn out.
For me, it was realising that I had been raised by a pick me woman, and it was all I knew. My father left when I was five and moved to another country, my mother had a spate of relationships with men who were largely unstable and selfish, looking back I realise she was so vacuous that she would completely reinvent her image and identity to appease whoever she was dating at the time. Eventually, she married one of these men and he began to sexually abuse me when I was just twelve years old. In shame, I kept this a secret for a long time but when it was finally exposed both my mother and her mother gave him a free pass explaining that he wasn’t related to me, so it was understandable.
What kind of fucked up messed up message does that send to a developing and impressionable young woman? One that suggests that a mans urges are more important than a child’s innocence and protection?
My mother chose to stay married to this man and I became estranged from them, I’m now forty years old and decades later I still have zero desire to reconnect with my mother. These women were my main role models and unfortunately, they were the embodiment of toxic feminine energy, needless to say, I had to go through many years of shadow work and trauma counselling to become emotionally healthy.
We have to acknowledge that we are willing to set the most incredible standards for ourselves when it comes to our homes, what we drive, who we will associate with, our education, career, our business instincts and ideas and even our clothing and yet so many of us are okay with dropping our standards to the floor when it comes to men. How often have you seen beautiful, smart and independent women with bum men who do nothing but take? How often have you been willing to bail a man out of his problems or been tempted to loan him money to get back on track? How often have you rushed to a man’s side to support him just to find yourself alone next time you were in a painful situation? How often have you put your needs aside to keep a guy happy? All the while, who helps you? Who supports you?
Angels, it’s time to let weakness become a turn off.
Realise that the older women in your family didn’t always know best and had similar conditioning
Back in the day, women had no choice but to depend on men for their survival and happiness, it wasn’t acceptable for women to work full time and girls would go straight from their fathers home to their husbands, hopefully she was lucky and married well so that she would have a good life, they might have had support from a group of women, yet these women reinforced this conditioning and painted strong willed types who could think for themselves, as scandalous, although times have changed, we can earn as much as men and a lot of the stigma about a woman taking care of herself has been eradicated, but the mindset hasn’t fully died and is still being programmed into the younger generations. It’s similar to how my Nanna always made leftovers stretch and hoarded food in her pantry, she was a World War two baby in Britain so this mentality of “save everything” was ingrained into her from her mother and grandmother, just as our mothers had the “you need a man to take care of you” mentality programmed into them by their mothers and grandmothers. But it doesn’t serve us anymore, if anything in our times, over dependence on men generally gets us played, used, and left feeling unappreciated. This stuff is largely unconscious, but it is mirrored back to us again and again through Disney films and other pop culture that finding your prince is the most important thing in life.
Although it’s totally fine to desire a loving relationship. You shouldn’t need to sacrifice yourself to get it.
The older generations can be rigidly rooted in their own conditioning so it’s often best not to engage, let advice roll of your back whenever it is disempowering or carries a sense of urgency “to find a man” yes men have all the time in the world, where we have limited biological clock and viable time to procreate, however that just means its even more crucial that we don’t waste our lives recycling dreadful conditioning, that we don’t waste time on men who don’t appreciate and cherish us to the fullest extent that they are capable. Get comfortable sampling someone and saying “next!” to yourself when he doesn’t make the cut.
Ask yourself the serious questions
This isn’t easy but in order to break free from our negative dating patterns it is crucial for us to examine what is going on internally and subconsciously, some of the questions you can use for self-interrogation are:
Is my confidence based on what others mirror back to me? Or have I cultivated deep self-love and self-acceptance?
What advice has stuck with me the most over the years and is it helping or hindering me?
Am I only beautiful if others tell me so?
Do I secretly feel like I have to sacrifice my own comfort and needs to feel worthy?
Do I find being alone very difficult and painful or am I able to enjoy it fully?
Can I feel true happiness for other women as though their triumphs are my own?
Do I feel a sense of panic when I start to like someone, as if this is going to be my only chance?
How much does fear or lack play a part in my decision-making process?
Bring awareness to the fact that you have been basing your identity and self-worth on how others perceive you
As women we were often treated as secondary to our fathers and brothers, while males are enabled in their slow journey to maturity, women are often tossed out at eighteen or find the home environment quite intolerable, we are forced to grow up fast, we learnt that our anger and frustration was often dismissed and we gradually learnt that it was easier to be agreeable, to keep the peace and to acquisce to the will of others, even if your home life was quite harmonious, it’s likely that you later felt down trodden by your dating life and the encounters you fell into unprepared later on, even if your home was harmonious… the more passionate emblazoned aspects of your personality that questioned or “answered back” were likely tempered, our parents and grandparents didn’t realise we would need this fire burning inside us later in life, so they extinguished it.
Even if we had wonderful role models most of us were taught by societies expectation, to seek external praise and validation at almost every stage of our lives, rather than learning how to receive it from within.
To escape from a pick me mentality we have to have the courage to unpack and process whatever personal challenges we have faced and examine what mental programs other people haphazardly placed in our psyche, although this can be terribly painful, victimhood will not serve us, instead we have to be able to delve in and face these difficult truths and release them so that we can empower ourselves. That fire still burns inside you and to re-engage with it is the art of the Goddess.
Remember who the fuck you are
- because everything we have been taught about men and about ourselves is wrong.
Understand that living by the approval of others damages your self-esteem and leaves you vulnerable to predators.
Striving primarily to be liked and accepted is a losing game, there are 8 billion people in this world all with different opinions, mindset and upbringings, it is literally impossible that everyone will get you, accept you or love you and trying to gain acceptance from others is the fastest and most sure-fire way to lose yourself, as well as your connection to higher vibrational frequencies. The irony is that when we have the courage to put time in to discovering who we really are and when we live in alignment and truth, we naturally “attract our tribe” the people who will adore us unconditionally because our authenticity is like a siren to our soul family. Being a pick me woman is the essentially trying to fake our way through life. True fulfilment comes from casting off what is expected of you and dancing to the beat of your own drum.
When a woman knows who she is and loves herself deeply, standards and boundaries come naturally. There is no need to second guess ourselves ever again. We will become repelled automatically by mistreatment, opportunistic or violating actions, and we will naturally act as our own best friend, being unwilling to adjust our limits for validation. This is why the reader that wrote into me was struggling with applying a high value mindset in ordinary situations, because there is still more inner work to be done. We can’t simply go through the motions, we have to go through the transformation, but it is a process and it’s important to be patient with ourselves. At a certain point it simply clicks, just like learning an instrument or a new language, the more you immerse yourself in self-development and material that teaches you to honor yourself, the more you will notice self-growth and your reactions in everyday situations become automatic.
So many women speak to me trying to learn tips and tricks to build attraction, and sure I can teach this stuff 24/7 but it will never get you the deep and lasting results you truly crave, it will only serve to eventually exhaust you. The only way to guarantee success is to journey inwards and take it seriously. If you do this, dating and love can become easy, you can go into auto pilot with it knowing you will still make wonderful decisions.
Refuse to compete with other women and begin seeking their friendship in an authentic way
This can be easier said than done if you have been surrounded with women who operate in a pick me mindset, so it can be valuable to take some time out from them and to gradually meet women who are operating on a higher consciousness level. However, when it comes to friends or family members who are still living through the need for male validation or outdated programming, it is okay to show love and hold space for them. This is not about judgment, it’s about freeing ourselves so we can reach a greater level of happiness, hopefully this example will become a shining light inspiring the other women around us too, for some it will only irritate their demons but just accept that this is where they’re at and let it go, if enough of us can cast off our conditioning we will find that the tides start to turn so gradually women can heal as a collective and begin to reclaim our feminine divinity, breaking the cycles imposed on the generations and leading to whole and loving relationships.
One way you can begin to heal your negative relationships is by sending love to other women in meditation or just in your own space and time, even if a woman is misguided, even if she is cruel, even if she dresses for male attention or has thrown you under the bus for validation, recognise the frightened and vulnerable child inside of her, visualise her receiving happiness, blessings and love, in time you will reconnect with your respect for all women, can we expect men to respect us if we have forgotten how to respect and value each other?
End toxic relationships
If someone has abused you or placed you in danger they need to go, love them from afar, permanently. Be unafraid to end toxic relationships and release them fully, trying to grow as a woman while allowing these sorts of draining relationships continue will mean that your emotional cup can never be filled, because there’s someone there emptying it before it ever can. I understand first-hand how arduous it can be to break free from people who don’t have our best interests at heart, trauma bonds us to people like this and that bond can be so powerful, but time will heal you and creating real change is going to mean clearing relationships that are causing hurt to you. You deserve peace of mind. Try to bring some awareness to any relationships where you feel that the other person takes a lot, is not really there for you or where you feel used, or where there is frequent drama and upset and begin to distance from them as much as possible.
Letting shit slide to keep the peace, starts a war inside of you.
Explore your past relationships with men
One of the best ways to figure out where we are going is to explore our past, to identify patterns and to figure out what needs we are trying to meet or what internal struggles we are attempting to resolve by repeating certain circumstances. Our subconscious tends to draw us towards situations we find troubling when there is something we are trying to repair. So, if you have had a string of bad relationships or you seem to keep meeting the same man in a different body, if you can’t seem to meet someone who treats you right for long, before the same BS ensues, it’s not because you are unlovable, or broken, it’s because you need healing or closure on something.
I know this is not a simple suggestion, nothing I have written here is simple because real healing can take time and consistent effort, but it makes life so much easier long term, so if you need some support with your inner work get in touch now for a coaching session.
Your path is not about becoming someone else; it’s about clearing out everything that is not you so that you can become your most authentic self.
Identify your triggers
If you can, try to connect with what your triggers are in relationships and where you might slip into pick me energy, are you drawn to men that present as emotionally unavailable or avoidant, but you keep ignoring the signs? Or is it more internal, do you struggle to feel worthy of a good man? Is it fears of abandonment that trigger you? Try to make a note of any occasions that stand out in your mind where you felt disempowered or like you had to prove yourself. Bringing your triggers into awareness with real life examples can help you to avoid responding in the same ways in the future. It can be very valuable to learn about the high value approach to dating, so that you can at least learn how to raise more attraction and apply the techniques until they come to feel natural to you. There will be some great upcoming posts on remaining in a high value energy in dating that will help with this.
Pick me women tend to repeat cycles in dating where they meet men and go all in but then struggle to keep his attention and interest, because being in this mindset gradually becomes repellent to men, it is the opposite of what a truly confident woman brings to the table, so it is essential to break this pattern if you are ready for a loving and secure relationship.
