Updated: Apr 4
Why do guys do this? It could be that you weren't even really looking for a boyfriend but your path crossed his, he came on strong and showered you with attention, you realised quickly that he was practically perfect for you.
You might have been seeing him for a while, spending your free time together, with the connection growing on all levels, maybe you have even met some of each others family and friends, he calls you most days, shares his thoughts and feelings, it seems you are on the verge of a happy and committed relationship with so much potential and just as you begin to feel certain you are both heading into a significant future together, he suddenly pulls back or he drops some bomb on you like:
"Things are so hectic right now, I don't feel ready for a relationship" or "My life is changing so much, I really like you but I can't give you what you want"
Even more maddening is he still wants to hang out, he continues to text sweet things like " How was your day beautiful?" or "I miss you" he might even expect to remain physically intimate. It's so obvious that he is into you, so it makes little sense that he would hit the breaks right when you expected him to solidify the relationship and yet his actions suggest that nothing has really changed, he is still in contact regularly and is definitely still very attracted to you. So what gives? This situation can be very confusing as well as quite crushing to our confidence and self esteem and it is one of the problems women reach out to me most often for coaching with …yes it really is very common indeed, thankfully I have been able to help them to turn things around and to get the commitment they want and deserve. However it is important to understand how we find ourselves in this position in the first place. Let's delve into the most common reasons that we end up at such a disheartening station, you may recognise one or more of these points:
You were already playing the part
The number one reason that this sort of thing happens is that we were already in girlfriend mode prematurely, doing all the things we might do in a committed situation...but without the commitment, now he may have loved this to a degree, because essentially he got to enjoy the perks of a relationship while still being in the safe zone. But, at a certain point he realised that he would soon need to take the next step and actually cement things, so he got in to his head and somehow talked himself out of it. When a guy is still working hard to win you over, when he is not totally sure how you feel, he is much less likely to question the connection or overthink things, because he is too busy trying to convince you that he's the one you need, therefore you slip under his radar and his feelings grow organically without too much inner resistance. You overplayed the part
Calling him regularly, frequently asking him "Hey. how was your day?" "What are you doing?" etc, arranging dates, or going to big efforts to spend time with him, showing jealousy, or being obviously hurt when he doesn't make time for you (even if it's just once in a while) these are all examples of "leaning forward" and although this is innocent, it builds up to send a signal that you are heavily invested already. This is especially true if you have quickly begun putting him first, neglecting your interests or changing your own routine quite dramatically to accommodate him.
He ends up feeling overconfident in your interest level and starts to take you for granted, or he may feel a bit cornered, deciding that he's not ready for something that serious yet, so he withdraws. What follows is:
He fears losing his freedom
This might seem silly, but it's a very real fear for men. Generally he may consider himself to be a strong "lone wolf" he has probably cultivated a lifestyle he enjoys, his passions and the stuff he likes to do. If things have moved quite quickly between you and you have connected fast, he might suddenly be faced with the idea that his romantic life is shifting too fast for comfort, especially if he is devoting whole weekends to you and portions of his day, every day. I know this is annoying to realise, especially when you were just starting to enjoy the closeness that was building, even if he was the one initiating so much togetherness, he may have suddenly found himself feeling smothered. At this stage he might try to pull away, if you panic and try to remain close even when he is backing off, it can trigger "the talk" where he tells you he cannot offer you a relationship right now. If he sees that you too, love your freedom, and you resist allowing things to move too fast you can largely avoid this scenario:
He needed space and couldn't get it
Men need to pull away periodically in order to get closer, it's part of his intimacy cycle, now I am not talking about him blowing up your inbox for days then disappearing for two weeks (no, no that's a red flag for sure) but if we miss the cues he gives us that he needs a night to himself, or a weekend to chill with his buddies or family, point blank if he gets no time to miss you, you are going to see some major issues creep in. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, so women need to understand his cues and give him space sometimes, men do put on their best face for us, not so much in a "fake" way but he may swear less, be softer than what comes naturally, more considerate of the type of environment you prefer, so sometimes he needs to just be his most natural self, to just be a guy, watch the game or talk trash with the boys, or whatever it is he likes to do.
Routines crept in too fast
He calls you at 9 after breakfast, you text him on your morning break, you always talk after 7pm or spend every Saturday afternoon together, whatever it may be, routines in the early stages are just not sexy, in fact they are predictable and they suck the fun and spontaneity out of a budding connection. If he always knows what to expect, there is very little to fantasise over for the next stage of the relationship as you two have already arrived in predictable patterns, he may fear that if things deepen further they could be quite monotonous moving forward, even if they wouldn't be. He thinks he knows everything he is getting already. It is much better to keep a guy guessing and wondering what to expect next- this comes naturally when you are keeping your options open and just going with the flow.
You haven't learnt to be in receptivity yet
Quite a lot of women that I speak to find it difficult to be in receptive energy with men, often she is trying to build attraction with him in a way that would work on her as a woman, of course this is a natural mistake to make as it's what we understand, sadly it doesn't work on men, an example of this is that she does things to make him feel cared for and special, to make life easier for him, while this is sweet, it doesn't reach him on the deep level she is hoping for. She hasn't yet learnt the beauty of her feminine receptive energy, allowing him to give to her, to put in effort for her, to go the extra mile, or if she does welcome his efforts she immediately jumps to reciprocate when the only reward he craves is her happiness, she hasn't yet discovered how to reach him on a level that makes him deeply addicted, that causes him to feel that she is giving his life a specific sense of meaning and purpose, this too is very common.
The uncertainty phase
There is also the uncertainty phase which is a natural part of getting closer and of the relationship becoming more serious, if you feel that you haven't done any of the above, then it is likely to be the uncertainty phase kicking in, but the uncertainty phase generally comes into play regardless, it is the pull back before he comes closer in a big way.
He loves the idea of being with you but...
…he's not willing to put the effort in regularly. Some guys simply are not worthy of being in a more committed situation with you, some guys purely play the opportunist, getting what he could out of the situation while it was still easy to do so. These guys are usually easy to spot as effort was at bare minimum from day one and it was all about him, we just didn't want to see the signs (that will have absolutely been there) for some reason. This is the least common reason on the list though and its usually plain to see if you are honest with yourself.
So what do you do if you find yourself here and how do you avoid it happening in the first place? Creating attraction is an art form, but it is also incredibly simple when you understand the concept. Many women know how to start off strong and get the guy hooked on her initially so he is coming on very hot, yet they struggle with sustaining his interest as things progress.
Sustaining his interest is like creating an ambience, a mood, one that gets his to respond to you without you saying a word, it's a feeling that builds up in him and creates longing, anticipation and desire, desire to be with you in a more serious way, all it takes is knowing how to use your feminine energy correctly.
As women we experience attraction differently so we don't actually feel what men do in exactly the same way, but an amazing example if you want to "innerstand" this better is to check out Artic Monkeys album: AM. I know it's an old album now but it's genius because the way Alex Turner describes the way women stir his emotions and curiosity in their songs sums it up beautifully: "Do I wanna know?" "I wanna be yours" "R U Mine?" and "Arabella" especially, (although every track is worth a listen), I believe this is why that album saw such massive success, both the music and lyrics perfectly convey the sexy anticipation, tension, and delightful frustration that comes when a woman knows precisely how to tangle a man up in knots of attraction.
So how do we create this?
Unfortunately, when faced with a challenge like this, most women believe if they accept the limited version of the relationship they want he will eventually see sense, and come to the realisation that he is foolish not to commit because she is an incredible woman, and although this is likely true, things very rarely work that way. Instead we end up getting less of what we want, having to contend with having no idea where we stand, dealing with a hot and cold man or finding ourselves in the friend zone, or with a guy that messes with our heads endlessly. In reality things get worse not better.
Whatever you do, do not go into convincer mode, it really isn't your job to convince him that he should want a relationship with you, instead be smart about it by tuning into the mindset that truly motivates him to overcome his resistance.
If his life is changing or transitioning, or he is very busy, and he has cited this as the reasons that he doesn't want to move things forward, he is probably telling the truth but make no mistake about it, a man will overcome all kinds of obstacles and inconveniences if he feels that he needs you in his life. Your friends may tell you that "he wants a relationship but not with you" other Coaches may tell you to let him go and move on, I am not one of them. If he came on strong in the beginning then chances are he does like you and it is probably not too late to turn things around and erase the "mistake". Contact me now and we will analyse your personal situation and come up with a plan of action. I will assist you in learning how to cultivate your feminine magnetic charms in the right way to captivate him, as well as how to relax into receptivity. My sessions are highly effective, reasonable priced and convenient, as well as completely confidential. Click here to learn about my special introductory offer now.