In today's world, feminism is often misunderstood as a movement where women seek to become like men. With some men arguing that women should now pursue, ask for their number, or pay for the first date dinner. Because feminism.
However, at its core, feminism is about advocating for equal rights and freedom of choice for women in all aspects of life. Unfortunately, some men perceive this quest for equality as a threat and may even try to punish women for desiring it.
It's this misunderstanding that has given rise to toxic and extreme movements such as the Red pill wounded men cult (opens in new tab) which aims to subjugate women.
With the advent of feminism and women demanding the right of equality in legal and social matters within the community, some men decided to exact some sort of revenge they would take away the privileges they falsely believe they bestowed upon women, in return for their submission (perhaps subconsciously or through fear of change), or by refusing to admit the two are not mutually exclusive. The treatment of women as someone to dote on does not come hand in hand with the dogmatism of exaggerated male dominance being required in a relationship.
That said, when a man insists that a woman should take on traditionally masculine roles, such as initiating dates, he undermines her femininity and attempts to maintain a sense of control. This imposition of gender roles not only stifles individual expression but also diminishes the attraction between partners. True attraction often arises from embracing the unique qualities and energies that each person brings to a relationship. Generally women need to feel cherished in relationships just as much as men need to feel respected.
Society has come to recognize that individuals possess a blend of masculine and feminine traits, which may manifest differently depending on the circumstances. However, this acknowledgment shouldn't diminish the importance of celebrating the inherent differences between masculine and feminine energies. It's essential to appreciate and respect these differences rather than viewing them as sources of conflict or using it as a weapon to punish women discovering their inherent value. Men, this is how you play yourselves. Women struggle to feel polarized by men who try to force them fully into masculine roles, which over time diminishes her interest and leaves her feeling hesitant to continue, in turn men lose out on the testosterone and accomplishment he gets from pursuing a woman, earning her and proving that he is the best suited potential candidate, which also diminishes his attraction. It can be an error to confuse a necessary societal cause with the human mating ritual.
Even a woman who prides herself on being "one of the guys" will still enjoy moments where she is romanced, pursued and and lavished with affection, she will generally still be compelled towards nurturing, support and expressing her inner emotions. It also needs to be said that while women may feel attracted to protective masculine males, they find exaggerated displays of dominance to be intimidating or even oppressive.
Men who suggest that women should take the lead in dating situations hint at a deeper feminist issue, which is the idea that men only performed dating rituals as part of the dance to convince her to submit to him and not because he valued his time with her, and with her seeking a deeper level of fair balance he then "withholds the right to revoke" the small perks she might have gained in early dating. If she resists a sense of marital enslavement as being a male entitlement.
Men are complaining that droves of women are no longer choosing marriage, and it's true, there is an abundance of women who are choosing careers, a child free life, freedom to spend time with their friends, focus on personal development and to travel and can you blame them?
Many women have become disillusioned with marriage, they look at the relationships of their mothers, older sisters and aunts and worry that if they marry they could find that a few years or even months into marriage, romance is drying up and suddenly they are taking on the majority of the work, cooking, cleaning, scheduling and attending appointments, doing most of the parenting, the driving and shopping for gifts for his family as well as her own, and due to the current economic climate, women usually have to work full time too, some women observe husbands who were once proficient in many areas are now incapable or have forgotten how to put a load of laundry or the dishwasher on, or make a simple cup of tea, she comes to feel that she is a mother to both her husband and her children, yet she is still expected to look and smell good and be ready for intimacy whenever he's in the mood, even though she's exhausted, or even repelled by his weaponized helplessness. It's worth noting too that on a hormonal level a woman will obviously find it challenging to switch into the role of vixen if she has been parentified by her lover.
A 2016 Michigan study showed that a woman takes on an average of seven hours per week of additional work when she is married, that's an entire added work day, if she then has children you can double or even triple that. Yet it is still commonly accepted that a husband can do very little to enhance the woman's life, except to contribute money towards the home she is creating for him. I have even heard men complain countless times about having to provide a valentines or birthday gift or dinner for their wives.
Men too go out to work, but many now expect women to have a career then come home and work another full time job, one with no breaks, no holidays and no paid time off. Why would men pile such unreasonable levels of burden onto the women they love?
Because of appeals to traditional fallacy? this isn't cutting it in terms of the enormity of marriage for women. Marriage is a concept that has been renegotiated countless times throughout history, if it is to survive as a concept it will continue to be renegotiated, for instance the wide spread acceptance of same sex marriage.
Or is it that some men are using marriage as a reason to be deliberately exploitative of women?
Marriage is no longer a necessity forced on to women, I would even go as far to say women are wising up realizing it has very little benefit to them, meanwhile study after study have concluded that married men are healthier and have longer life spans than their unmarried peers. Including this study from Harvard Medical University
Some women are drawn to the home maker lifestyle and deeply enjoy it, but in this modern world some women are also repulsed by it. Neither are wrong, however when a lifestyle is expected and imposed upon a person as a requirement, it becomes burdensome.
Women are exceptional givers and nurturers, but some men have exploited this to the extreme. For their well being women need to feel appreciated, valued and worthy of a man's time, attention and romantic effort just as much as he, lest she becomes burnt out on the relationship or marriage.
Despite the progress made by feminism, there are still challenges to overcome. Some reactionary individuals fear that women gaining equality will lead to their own marginalization. However, feminism continues to evolve, seeking not dominance but rather equality and mutual respect between genders. While feminism has been a necessity it does not negate the hormonal, psychological and biological differences and the differences in conditioning that contribute to the needs of men and women in romantic relationships.
It's time for some men to evolve and abandon rigid gender roles that no longer serve the needs of modern relationships. Expecting women to conform to outdated ideals of femininity while failing to adapt to changing societal dynamics is not only unjust but also detrimental to the well-being of both partners.
There is a large number of evolved thoughtful men in the world who cherish the divine feminine as a counterpart to their own divine masculine energy in healthy and none toxic ways, who seek a life partner for a mutual connection while respecting the physiological, energetic and emotional differences between them. Sadly the reactionaries shout loudest, often attacking, lashing out and threatening, these days a woman only has to seek a slight sense of personal empowerment and she will be met with pathetic cries of "you will end up a lonely cat lady!" we have all encountered it. This is demonstrated time and time again by the relentless attacks in my Facebook page comments.
These men idealize 1950s style housewives, who certainly appear wholesome from a certain perspective and yet cases of emotional abuse, assault and even rape within marriages during that era were rampant and women had no escape, martial rape wasn't even criminally recognized by the law until 1992 in the UK. In a world where it wasn't acceptable for women to divorce, or pursue careers, women had to marry in order to access property and for their own survival.
In contrast chilling into old age with a cute cuddly cat doesn't sound so bad.
Now, I am by no means anti marriage, I am a happily married woman myself, heck my husband even gave me some fantastic insight towards this article! Pursue marriage if it is what your heart desires. Pay for dinner, let him pay for dinner, or take yourself out to dinner, it's up to you, but remember that the evolution of feminism is not something to be ashamed of, or shamed by, nor is it an excuse for men to become low effort outside of marriage too- within dating arena. This should not turn into a power struggle that again drives circumstances back fully into the man's favor. His efforts should be given freely, not as a transaction towards your eternal servitude. We can all be proud (among the strong women who preceded us) to be part of the shift towards a new paradigm.
Of course as with any social movement there will be minorities who wish to go to extremes and diminish the rights of other groups, but this is not the goal of authentic feminism. As mentioned there is also the extreme of men preaching the red pill movement, and demanding to know what women bring to the table, it may be time for some men to ask themselves the same question.
There are also areas where male rights must be strengthened, for example the stigma surrounding access to mental health support for men, as well as for victims of male domestic abuse.
Feminism is not about women seeking to emulate men but rather about demanding equal rights and the freedom to live life and to exist safely in society on their own terms. It's essential for both men and women to embrace the evolution of feminism and work towards creating relationships based on equality, respect, and mutual fulfillment. Only by letting go of outdated gender norms can we truly progress towards a more inclusive and harmonious society.
Are some men struggling to adapt in a time when women have embraced feminism? check out this article from psychology today: What's Behind the Rise of Lonely, Single Men
Jade Isabelle Wright is a women's life, dating and empowerment coach with over a decade experience, based in the UK, you can contact Jade to apply for a special introductory coaching session here
