Out of all the questions I get on a weekly basis, one of the most common without a doubt is: "why did he go ghost on me? everything was fine, he seemed really into me, but all of a sudden he dropped off the face of the earth, stopped texting, stopped answering my calls, it's so frustrating!"
We are going to explore the most common reasons why men ghost, what you can do about it and how to ensure that it doesn't keep happening. So let's dive in...
Reason Number 1 The test
All men test women, it doesn't make them bad per say, it is something that happens on a subconscious level in the early stages of dating, and it's generally not something they plot or plan to do to hurt you, men instinctively know that by pulling back suddenly they can quickly gauge a woman's interest level and gain reassurance and clarity without having to particularly work for it. Although this is unfair, it is what it is ladies. If you seek him out, repeatedly try to contact him or even beg him for answers, it quickly shows him he has your firm engagement. He gets his validation and in turn he feels comfortable drifting in and out, only giving effort to you on his terms. This is how we end up with a "hot and cold" guy on our hands long term, if we allow it.
Reason Number 2 The Ex
One of the number one reasons men go ghost is that they started talking to you during uncertain times, he perhaps had an argument with the girlfriend, or was newly broken up. Suddenly the previous girl wants to talk things through and after days or weeks of chatting to you, the man in question falls silent. Often guys will start chatting to a new lady to get their mind off things, rather than going through the healing process properly first. Many men find it very uncomfortable dealing with painful emotions so they look for an escape and may decide to dive in to something new immediately to avoid handling those awkward feelings. Rather than having a difficult conversation with you it may be easier for him to drop out of the conversation. Of course that isn't easy for you, you are left feeling confused, hurt or like your time has been wasted.
Reason Number 3 The psychology
The final major reason that a man may ghost is that you hadn't yet tapped in to the major psychological triggers that keep him hooked on the feelings he gets from interacting with you. Some of the most common mistakes women make are oversharing their emotions, revealing every thought and feeling too soon, being completely available to him, or by wanting to commit too early, before he has really done much to to justify such a strong level of devotion from her. In this situation the man feels like he has you completely hooked on his charms already, he doesn't feel mentally challenged so his interest wanes. But you can easily prove him wrong and show him you are not won over yet! Learn more here
What you should do:
Resist validating a guy like this, instead mirror him and drop off too, so instead of feeling cocky about how much you like him, all he hears is the sound of crickets. Rather than achieving reassurance, you become a mystery and he finds that his mind slowly becomes set firmly on you, spend some time now figuring out if he is worth your effort going forward, if he was generally great and made you feel good, it may be worth it, alternatively he may inadvertently create the distance for you to realise that the connection wasn't for you after all, which can be a blessing.
If you still like the guy that is completely fine but it's now all about how you handle things when you get that inevitable and awkward "Hey, how are you?" text. If you don't handle this right you will end up in the dreaded "boomerang boyfriend" situation. Where he comes and goes as he pleases and takes you for granted. Should you choose to reply, don’t jump to respond immediately, hold off until it’s convenient for you, you want to be breezy and carefree, treat him as a distant friend you lost contact with, don't interrogate or question him, show him through your actions and reduced availability that he is back at square one now, and will have to begin from the start re-earning your interest and time.
What he learns:
That you are confident giving him space and don't see him as a particularly big deal, yet. That you are a woman of value and desirability and yet you are no ones fool. Game on!... you become a greater challenge to him and he learns that he has to be consistent and considerate to be worthy of a shot with you. He shows greater appreciation and effort.
Think about it, marketing experts generally understand this aspect of human psychology. Consumerism is driven by the scarcity factor because humans by nature want what they can't have, which is why advertising agents know to play on the rarity and preciousness of a product, by pushing the right buttons they will have people lining outside of a store for hours, searching far and wide to secure that special item, sometimes for weeks or even months, as clinical as it may seem dating psychology is similar, we all want to find someone who is unique and precious, we all appreciate that which is rare, that we have to work hard to acquire, when you fail to give a reaction, he can't help but perceive you as more valuable.
A guy I was dating did this to me years ago, he had been consistently texting me and hanging out for about two months, it was clear to me that he was a little insecure, so I was still in observation mode, not heavily invested. One day after saying "text you later" he went ghost on me. Being a woman who understands the male mind, I didn't reach out once. Instead I focused on time with my friends and enjoying my life without him. Sure it stung a bit and I wondered at times what I had done wrong, but I refused to let it rattle me. It took almost six weeks before I heard from him and in all honesty, by then he was barely on my mind. He actually had the nerve to blame me, he told me "Hey I was waiting for a text! I can't believe you just ghosted on me!" ...gotcha buddy! I knew I could continue there and then, dating him on my own terms with a little more respect and interest from him, but I had actually met someone else while he was absent so I didn't reply, however I will bet that he never tried that stunt on the next girl.
Sometimes though, it really hurts when someone we enjoyed talking to pulls a vanishing act.
Ever notice how the men you barely think about seem to continually pop up in your inbox, while the ones we pine for never show up? this is the nature of the game ladies, a little distance and tension early on is very alluring, this is why it can be difficult to get someone who ghosted on us, out of our minds. It is important that you flip the script on men like this, refuse to play that game with them, command better for yourself and give the behaviour zero reaction, he will almost always take notice. As much as we may want a clear cut dating life with zero manipulation, sometimes men do play games and we find ourselves in a dilemma we didn't want or ask for, of all games men play ghosting is a common one, this is because it's far less risky and less daunting for a guy to pull back for a quick reaction as opposed to having an open talk about feelings and leaving himself vulnerable.
If you suspect someone else is in the picture, don't allow yourself to get sucked in to their chaos and especially not in to competing, let their situation play out while you continue on your own journey. You deserve someone who doesn't need to be convinced to stick around.
At least 90% of men who ghost return at some point
Especially if you don't chase him or demand answers, why? because very few women actually handle the situation this way, most attempt flirty texts or ask him why he stopped talking. When you are not thrown off balance by something like this you communicate many things through your actions, that you are confident, have options, are emotionally strong and without a hint of desperation, all supremely attractive qualities, you create irresistible tension and inexplicable curiosity in him, which leads him to eventually reach out to test the water. If you have the correct mindset at this stage you will be able to increase his attraction even further from here.
Even though it can seem easier to vanish without a trace at the time, men often quickly come to second guess their decision, especially when the reaction they expected isn't forthcoming, people generally struggle to leave things unfinished and unresolved. During my 14+ years as a Womens Coach I have observed that men return much more often than not.
Try not to panic when a man puts distance between you, whether it’s during the get to know you phase or after sex, simply pay attention to see what he is presenting to you and mirror him for now.
But what if he doesn’t text ? Well...good riddance to him! As difficult as it is to accept that man did you a huge favour by disappearing sooner rather than later, when it would have impacted you and your life much more. I have seen men who ghost pop up even years later so don't put your life on hold, give yourself some time to nurse your wounds and then get back out there.
If you are dealing with a hot and cold guy or a man who has gone ghost, you are not alone! I have helped hundreds of women handle this situation in a way that not only attracts the man back but keeps his attention firmly on you so he never disappears again, get in touch for a session and as a special introductory offer you can talk to me for 50 minutes for the super low price of just £30 GBP, click here now to arrange a session by phone.