Updated: Oct 29, 2019
As I have said before I am not a "jump to the dump" sort of Coach, I believe the majority of problems between Couples can be solved, but some behaviours not only leave no space for compromise they also give startling clues to heart break you may have to suffer down the line. Sure red flags and warnings should be obvious but when our emotions get involved sometimes the line blurs between what is an upsetting habit and an actual deal breaker so it's good to have a check list ready. We all know that any form of abuse is a huge stop sign in any situation, as is dishonesty and cheating but what about those behaviours that sometimes fly under the radar? Girls if you are dating a new man and he displays any of the traits below then hot foot on out of there, pronto...
1. He drains your energy
The dating stage is a time where everyone brings their best self so if after being around him you feel depleted and sad instead of uplifted and content, take it as a major red flag that something isn't right. Energy doesn't lie, if he is zapping you the chances are good that he has emotional or mental complications that he needs to be working on, or it could be an early warning of a toxic partner, a good guy may not make you supremely happy 24/7 and he may occasionally annoy you but he won't drain you, trust your gut and tell that energy thief to hit the road.
2. He pushes your boundaries ALL the time Whether he is pushy about sex, wants to progress the relationship too fast or he attempts to push you in to situations you don't feel ready for in any way then please be careful, even if he is very charming and you like him otherwise, a man who coerces you, especially very early on is displaying three warning traits right up front, firstly that he has an severely over inflated sense of entitlement, secondly that he has no respect for your limitations and comfort levels and thirdly he prides his own needs and enjoyment far above your own, these characteristics are a recipe for disaster if you are looking for a meaningful relationship. Whenever you feel that you must start compromising yourself or your values for another person it's a serious warning. This type of man often turns abusive when he doesn't get his way. 3. He's not proud of your progress You are promoted at work and your friends and family are already on route with the champagne and balloons, you get some great news or your life levels up in some way, everyone is thrilled for you except for one person who isn't cheering...The man you are dating. For some reason he seems irritable or grumpy, or he quickly requires you to "move on" from your news so things can return to normal. Take note If he acts like your success is an irritation rather than something to be welcomed and celebrated, the guy in your life should be your top supporter so if he brings negativity to your defining moments of success or happiness that is reason enough in itself to give him his marching orders, girl that man will always hold you back and drag you down.
4. During difficulty he is nowhere to be found
There are few things worse than a fair weather boyfriend, if he's adorable when things are fun and care free but the moment there is a challenge in your life he seems to be nowhere around then don't take it lightly. It's a horrible sensation to feel lonely within a relationship and a good man will instinctively try to help you during times of difficulty, he may bring you food when you are sick or listen while you rant about your tyrannical boss, or he will offer to drive you to a daunting appointment, when there is a problem he stands by you and shows support, he won't disappear. Men who do disappear at the first hint of disharmony are communicating that they have no interest in doing the "real work" involved in relationships and is only pursuing his own interests.
5. He has no sense of loyalty
Blatantly ogling or making suggestive comments about other women or even your friends is also a major forewarning, a man who is willing to disrespect you so openly for a perfect stranger is probably seriously lacking loyalty, sure by his nature a mans eye may wander occasionally but if he always seems to be making a point to notice other females, or he makes provocative comments in front of you on the regular then he isn't worth taking seriously, a guy who cares will never risk messing things up with you over something so easily avoided. The same goes for if he never takes your side or defends your honour, that doesn't mean a woman can create drama and the man should defend her, but if he never takes your side in ordinary situations, you can be sure his loyalty will be fleeting.
6. He expects you to do all the work
If you always have to do the texting and calling because you are unsure you'd even hear from him otherwise, if you have to be the one to suggest get together's because he never
does, or if you are always the one to apologise even when you know you weren't the one in the wrong, if he insists you take his number and always pushes you to text first rather than making any sort effort himself it's a good indication that you have a dead weight on your hands, a man who at best is positioning to become lazier, more boring and completely devoid of romance, and at worst, one who just doesn't see you as any significant part of his life. You should feel cherished by the man you are involved with, men are givers too and in a good relationship there will be a balance of give and take, never settle for being the one doing all the work.
7. He asks for money
Although this seems startlingly obvious I speak to women all the time who have handed over large sums of money to men they were dating, as women we are nurturers, we want to help and some of us find it difficult to say no, but in this situation you always should say no, to the request and the relationship too! This is a real indication of a man's character, a man who has your best interests at heart will want to provide for you, even if he can only do so in small or even non-monetary ways, if he values you he would never dream of putting you in such an awkward position or making such an unreasonable request. It would also pain him to see you taking so much of his burden on to yourself, he would want to protect you from that.
8. He makes you feel bad about yourself
If he's openly judgemental and disapproving of you, the way you dress, your choice of friends, or your favourite pastimes it's a good indication that he isn't really in to you for you instead he has a host of ideals and expectations he projects on to you. Which has nothing to do with real love, never let a man treat you like a project, be proud of the Goddess you are, hold your head high and toss that hair on the way out the door.
9. He's not passionate about anything
Even if a guy isn't super ambitious he's going to have something that he's striving for in life. Something that gets his fire going, that matters to him, never settle for a man who has absolutely no drive in his work or his life, there is simply nothing attractive about a man who's only goal in the day is to sit around on X box in his undies congratulating himself on his master Call of Duty skills and who can't hold down a job, guy's like this don't change, you will end up being the maid, the breadwinner and general dogsbody, worse still he probably won't appreciate any of it, toss him out on his ass.
10. He threatens to break up with you constantly
So many women allow this these days but its such an obvious example of a man who will waste the best years of your life and leave you broken. Basically a man may constantly threaten break ups for a few reasons, one because he is bereft of any conflict resolution skills, so he uses breaking up as a way to manipulate you instead of actually working through a problem, or because he has found it is a good way to tap in to your fears and control you. It could be that he still enjoys periods of single-dom and a chance to sample other ladies, or because he has emotional issues or a temper he can't keep under control, whatever the reason it's always a red flag. In fact each time a man threatens to break up with you (or he actually does) he deeply erodes the stability and trust of your connection. Both parties begin to feel that their relationship is disposable, it's almost impossible to sustain a loving connection under these circumstances. This situation almost never ends well. Save yourself the heart break and get out now.
Are there any red flags you would add? drop them in the comments below Or if you would like to talk about your love life and would rather not post it here get in touch