Updated: Mar 11
If you have met a guy with great potential it's essential not to slip into typical trap that many women find themselves in, which is getting carried away with the fantasy idea of a dreamy potential future, idealising him fast based on the desirable qualities you have seen so far, while disregarding the fact that it really is very early days and you barely even know him yet.
This is something I witness daily with my clients and with women in general.
Maybe you have been texting for weeks, or you have had a few highly intoxicating dates, and as a result you are noticing that your thoughts are drifting to him constantly, wondering how he feels, what he is thinking, or when he will next be in touch or asking for the next date. Then, little by little, our thoughts and actions become all about him, we begin to analyse every detail, his texting habits, how often he calls, we begin to search for clues of how he feels.
Whenever we start to fixate heavily on a man, it changes our energy and not in a good way, we may notice that in the early stages he was texting often, chasing us hard and hanging on our every word, suddenly the connection seems to be slowing down. Now she notices that the man in question is pulling back, even though he came on strongly at first, he seems to be taking you for granted, showing less interest or attention, acting like he could take you or leave you.
At this point the woman becomes anxious and pessimistic, the gentle, natural attraction she was experiencing initially begins to feel like work, she may even begin to alter her behaviour to get him hooked on her again, unfortunately when we are driven by uncertainty or fear, it shows, even if we are trying our best to appear cool and collected.
Ladies, if you want to succeed with the man you are dating, you have got to get out of your head!
During sessions women tell me constantly that they are absolutely keeping a full and happy life, going to the gym, seeing friends, and keeping up with her hobbies, but when we truly get down to the heart of it, she is checking her phone obsessively at the gym, analysing his actions endlessly with her friends and day dreaming about him whenever they are apart.
It's important that you don't make the man you are talking to the main event in your life, especially before he has really done much to earn it. If you crave love too badly you will start over functioning, which leads to further fixation and then...insecurity, at this stage the man will become insecure too, but for different reasons. He may start to feel that you are holding on too tightly, too quickly or perceive subtle restrictions on his freedom and more obligation to you than he is ready for, as a result he will either pull back to analyse you or he may lose interest without even really knowing why, or he will become hot and cold and confusing.
Another pitfall to over investing ourselves is that we will be more likely to overlook red flags or disrespect and neglect, or fail to pick up on glaring incompatibilities that could make us miserable later. The further we go into fixation the further we get from our inherent intuitive abilities, rather than dating with an attitude of discernment and curiosity, it becomes about winning his love at all costs. Because the man is illusive and mysterious we put a disproportionate level of emphasis on his value.
A truly smart woman knows how to create mystery herself and leave him wanting more, eager to discover her, he finds himself inexplicably drawn to her ready to overcome all kinds of obstacles or circumstances to get closer to her.
Sometimes men do take longer to fall in love, this is because generally his heart opens more slowly, men are taught from an early age not to "act emotional" but once his heart does open and he commits it is usually with permanence. Research has shown that for this reason break ups can be absolutely devastating for men, even long after the event and that can inspire caution for a guy, it is a wise woman that knows how to subtly over ride his resistance to commitment. Sometimes guys don't know what they want and are still in the process of discovery, this makes the situation delicate and the wrong actions can have him swerving to avoid you when all you really want is to connect more deeply.
Have you noticed that some women seem to naturally understand how to inspire a man's devotion and obsession? these women may not look like supermodels or be perfect by any means, but they have that certain Je Ne Sais Quoi that men respond to, these women know how to inspire him to want commitment even before her, he becomes totally open and authentic, in this situation she has knowingly or unknowingly created the perfect conditions for his defences to come down.
In dating it is wise to create a sense of absolute freedom around our love interest, to stay focused on ourselves not only by going through the motions, but being mentally present in each aspect and moment of our lives. In doing this you naturally become a mystery and a challenge, so if he likes you he will make it known, as he will feel compelled to learn more, to spend more time around you.
This attitude almost always creates attraction, the problem is that many of us meet someone we like and quickly start measuring him up for a relationship, instead of being friendly and getting to know him objectively. It is important for us to try to pace ourselves so that we do not find ourselves in the deep end emotionally, long before he has even left shallow waters, and so that we can develop a true understanding of his personality and values. When you constantly focus on the man, you end up ten steps ahead of him, even if you are controlling your moves and reactions, he feels it.
A lot of women think that if they don't consistently reach out, put themselves in his line of sight regularly or find excuses to see him, he will conclude that she isn't interested, but nothing could be further from the truth. Generally a guy will go hard after something he really wants, in fact he will deeply enjoy the challenge of pursuing an attractive, independent woman. While trying to impress you he may just be falling in love, so allow his feelings to grow organically. Be comfortable relaxing and letting him put some effort forward for you, without always needing to try and steer things in your intended direction, trust that you deserve it. Be welcoming of his interest, keep it fun and light, enjoy getting to know him allowing the energy to flow sweetly and don't force matters. It's when we try too hard that we unintentionally stomp on his interest.
This approach allows the connection between you to grow in a carefree and natural rhythm, so that he can't help but want to step forward more, which effortlessly creates happiness and harmony for you both. Many women will try to subtly control things and then become resentful when he doesn't go along with her ideals, by letting go a little you give him space to show interest in his own way.
The fact is you can't force someone to have feelings or stronger feelings for you, assume that he does like you (why the heck wouldn't he?) and release the need to micro manage the process, allow him to take the lead with communication and dates, you will get a better idea of how he really feels without any pressure, without anxiety. If it doesn't work out for any reason you will bounce back easier as you didn't overly extend yourself. I'm not talking about being emotionally detached in our love lives, but just not letting a man rent all the space in our heads before he deserves it.
Hands up, in my younger years I got way ahead of guys sometimes and focused on a new crush far too much too soon and what I noticed is it dulled my sparkle, I wasn't as funny, interesting or care free as I was as a single girl, as the single girl he was initially intrigued by. It always seemed to go downhill from there. At this stage in relationships we have to be mindful of whether we are creating a path to genuine love, or to negative attachment. If you feel hollow or empty when you are not around the person you are dating, or a text in your inbox feels like the addictive rush of a drug to which other experiences pale in comparison, we are probably heading towards the latter.
Even if you are "playing it cool" but you are a ball of anxiety and fixation on the inside he will sense it. We are all subconsciously reading each others "vibes". I know it is tough and when we like someone a lot, and feel they have great potential it is so easy to let our minds wander to them constantly.
It's a beautiful and strong woman who keeps her heart open to the people around her but it's important to continue to honour our individuality too and to fuel our own passions outside of our relationships. We must keep a sense of balance and self love as our foundation, allowing our love lives to be a projection of our own inner peace as they grow and transform. Before you go...
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