Updated: Oct 29, 2019
It's something that I witness daily among my callers and friends... as women, we have this guilty little habit of finding a man with great potential and getting carried away with the fantasy idea of a dreamy future we could have with him. We idealise him fast based on the desirable qualities we have seen in him so far, disregarding the fact that it really is very early days and we barely even know him yet.
Slowly but surely our thoughts and actions become all about him. Our energy changes and we become too invested too quickly, we begin to over analyse every detail, his texting habits, how often he calls, we begin to search for clues of how he feels.
Sometimes we have felt confident but some insecurity occurs after he showed strong interest initially then cooled off. This cooling phase often happens because the woman's feelings are deepening and she starts to feel the urge for "certainty from him", which he perceives as needy. I have observed over the years that men generally take longer to fall in love, because his heart opens more slowly, men are taught from an early age not to "act emotional" but once his heart does open and he commits it is usually with permanence. Research has shown that for this reason break ups can be absolutely devastating for men, even long after the event and that can inspire caution for a guy. A woman is actually more likely to do her crying then never look back. This is because her heart generally opens and closes more easily and naturally to the various people in her life. Some women find that these roles reverse and the man falls in love quicker, wants to commit even before she does and seems totally open and authentic, in this situation she has knowingly or unknowingly created the perfect conditions for his defences to come down.
In dating it is wise to create a sense of absolute freedom around our love interest, to stay focused on ourselves not only by going through the motions, but being mentally present in each aspect and moment of our lives. In doing this you naturally become a mystery and a challenge, so if he likes you he will make it known, as he will feel compelled to learn more, to spend more time around you.
This attitude almost always creates attraction, the problem is that many of us meet someone we like and instantly start measuring him up for a relationship, instead of being friendly and getting to know him objectively. It is important for us to try to pace ourselves so that we do not find ourselves in the deep end emotionally, long before he has even left shallow waters, and so that we can develop a true understanding of his personality and values. Many women tell me during sessions that they are totally keeping a full and happy life, going to the gym, seeing friends, and keeping up with her hobbies, but when we truly get down to the heart of it, she is checking her phone obsessively at the gym, analysing his actions endlessly with her friends and day dreaming about him whenever they are apart.
If you crave love too badly you slowly become insecure and the man will become insecure too, but for different reasons. He may start to feel that you are holding on too tightly too quickly or perceive subtle restrictions on his freedom and more obligation to you than he is ready for, as a result he will either pull back to analyse you or he may lose interest without even really knowing why.
Don't panic...there are ways to turn this around (click here for more info) A lot of women think that if they don't constantly reach out, put themselves in his line of sight regularly or find excuses to see him, he will conclude that she isn't interested, but nothing could be further from the truth. Generally a guy will go hard after something he really wants, in fact he will deeply enjoy the challenge of pursuing an attractive, independent woman. While trying to impress you he may just be falling in love, so allow his feelings to grow organically. Be comfortable relaxing and letting him put some effort forward for you, without always needing to try and steer things in your intended direction, trust that you deserve it. Be welcoming of his interest, keep it fun and light, enjoy getting to know him allowing the energy to flow sweetly and don't force matters. It's when we try too hard that we unintentionally stomp on his interest.
Often the connection between you then becomes so carefree and natural that he can't help but want to step forward more and more, which effortlessly creates happiness and harmony for you both. Many women will try to subtly control things and then become resentful when he doesn't go along with her ideals, by letting go a little you give him space to show interest in his own way.
The fact is you can't force someone to have feelings or stronger feelings for you, assume that he does like you (why the heck wouldn't he?) and allow him to take the lead with communication and dates, you will get a better idea of how he really feels without any pressure, without anxiety. If it doesn't work out for any reason you will bounce back easier as you didn't overly extend yourself. I'm not talking about being emotionally detached in our love lives, but just not letting a man rent all the space in our heads before he deserves it.
Hands up, I have got way ahead of guys and focused on a new crush far too much too soon and what I noticed is it dulled my sparkle, I wasn't as funny, interesting or care free as I was as a single girl, as the single girl he was initially intrigued by. It always seemed to go downhill from there. At this stage in relationships we have to be mindful of whether we are creating a path to genuine love, or to negative attachment. If you feel hollow or empty when you are not around the person you are dating, or a text in your inbox feels like the addictive rush of a drug to which other experiences pale in comparison, we are probably heading towards the latter.
Even if you are "playing it cool" but you are a ball of anxiety and fixation on the inside he will sense it. We are all subconsciously reading each others "vibes". I know it is tough and when we like someone a lot, and feel they have great potential it is so easy to let our minds wander to them constantly.
It's a beautiful and strong woman who keeps her heart open to the people around her but it's important to continue to honour our individuality too and to fuel our own passions outside of our relationships. We must keep a sense of balance and self love as our foundation, allowing our love lives to be a projection of our own inner peace as they grow and transform. Before you go...
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