Updated: Oct 29, 2019
Ladies, please realise that if you find yourself single at any age or still haven't found the one person you can see a long term future with, that it is no reflection of your worth, it also does not mean that finding true love is hopeless, one of the most wonderful aspects of being a Coach is that I get to witness first hand that happy endings do happen for women of all ages, and often.
A lot of the single women I speak to are at least a little bit anxious about finding lasting and genuine love, perhaps having suffered through relationships fraught with drama or where it was difficult to keep the attraction alive. They have started to lose hope and worry that time is running out. They become stressed about the search. Paradoxically this worry often becomes a barrier to finding love. I want to share some serious truth that has helped a lot of my clients, as well as myself in my love life. This is all about creating a state of mind, one that will help you shift your outlook towards creating the conditions to attract love so that you don't have to spend time searching for anything.
There is power in periods of solitude, you can discover what is feeding your soul, what is hindering you and what is only distraction, you get a chance to elevate yourself. First, we have to let ourselves fall in love with single life, because we have to be happy where we are before we can be happy anywhere. Some of the women I coach disregard this suggestion, they want to be hot in the pursuit of happily ever after and seek love in the same way as they grind in their careers, as if they have to go hell to the leather ensuring they have three dates to rotate every week and a ton of new matches on their dating app, they resist their current circumstances and unknowingly suck the fun out of the journey, commonly these women are still looking months or even years later for that special connection with someone. Although dating can be a lot of fun and should be encouraged, Being too focused on the quest for love creates an imbalance in our lives that sets us back, this is because the connection to self must be in place and honoured above all else.
When we are disconnected, we search outside of ourselves for happiness, our actions cease to be soul-aligned, we begin to doubt our inner guidance and question our value, we seek external validation when we should be cultivating it within first. We have to learn to create a love life that is generated from deep knowledge of self and strong self worth instead of unconsciously manifesting a reality that stems from our unhealed wounds or efforts to get other people’s love or approval. Many of us approach our romantic interactions and experiences from a fearful place, either with a mindset of lack: That all the "good men are taken" or by believing we don't deserve or will never find a great love, allowing self doubt to fester can influence our choices and leave us vulnerable to bad decisions, next thing we know we might get the wrong attention from a guy and in a lonely moment and label a Mr Wrong our Mr Right, we wander in to a situation that is difficult to get out of later, or we carry around a foundation of worthlessness believing that we will only be taken seriously in life when we are successful in love.
A lot of us are major givers when it comes to others, but in the same breath we neglect ourselves. It is important to understand how to nurture ourselves before we try to nurture love with another. While you are alone you can enjoy the luxury of self involvement, and deep inner exploration, this is a wonderful, healing journey for anyone with the right attitude, I have often witnessed that those who choose this approach find good relationships faster than those who are obsessively dating or worrying, and they enjoy the journey far more. Allow the moment to be what it is, embrace uncertainty, star fish in your bed, eat ice cream at 2am if you want to, take long walks in nature, or work on your health and fitness, plant flowers both in your mind and in your garden, spend more time with friends and allow your other relationships to deepen, meditate, journal if you like or spend hours reading, fill your time pursuing what brings you joy, find your own centre and the rest will follow. Your identity will come to have absolutely nothing to do with another person and you will begin to magnetize towards potential partners where you can mutually enhance each other lives, starting out with a full cup rather than coming from a place of lack. The activities and hobbies you feel naturally drawn to are not simply a way to fill time, they are connected to your true path in life. your soul purpose. Passion is not meant exclusively for our love lives but for the entirety of our experience here on earth. When we deeply nurture our own passions we develop a solid foundation. Also using this time to face our wounds and let go of our past disappointments before trying again is so useful, this is the perfect time to make peace with what has been, to stop letting the ghosts of past boyfriends rent space in your head, let the past be the past so you can live life and find love with a clean slate and a light heart. A lot of women I speak to fear single life and spend every day agitated or even depressed, believing she is not whole without a lover, then because she didn't use the time she had to develop her own happiness she disappears in to the next relationships, becoming an extension of another and absorbing their interests and opinions as her own, a disservice to both parties, without a strong sense of self our partner becomes our only focus, our hobby, we begin to wither, losing confidence, we enter co-dependence and insecurity, taking our relationships in to a downward spiral.
Have the courage to live your life as an adventure of your own design as much as you can, get involved with causes you feel strongly about, travel if you feel inclined, pursue a life long dream, or learn new things, because these are absolutely the pursuits that lead us to our tribe and to true love, as you do this you will naturally start to look for people with more substance and higher values, when you live authentically while self nurturing you raise your frequency, you will tap in to higher intuition and you will begin to attract many "soul mates" both romantic and platonic. People who are operating on your level and contribute to your already strong foundations and high confidence even more.
Part of living authentically is being honest with ourselves about our expectations and wants in relationships, to figure out and understand what our personal needs really are. For years we may enter relationships mindlessly instead of consciously creating them, or we become too rigidly stuck to a list of ideals which has very little to do with our real needs. Perhaps choosing a man for more superficial reasons before seeking the deeper connection we really want. We may let family and friends make judgements about the men we like or date in a way that enables list of ideals for us as a burden we take on. For example my family expected me to find a man who was high powered and take charge, but my heart was that of a bohemian wanderer, corporate types simply didn't appeal to me I was much more drawn to the gentle intellectuals and musicians. I had no interest in filling a stereotype, I was looking for a profound recognition, someone I didn't have to "perform" for. Which may be why I didn't feel settled until I got in to my early thirties and had developed real acceptance internally.
Forget about others, what do you want?
One of the downfalls of our society is the ever need to impress others and live a Polaroid-perfect lifestyle. I observe constantly women who think they are seeking genuine love, when in reality they are looking to play a role, to become the heroine in a romantic movie kind of story, they want to play a character where they are together, adored by a high value man, excited about the new things they have bought and the adventures they have planned, or the perfect family they will create. Instead of looking for genuine compatibility Although it is natural to want to build a wonderful life, we subconsciously seek out a "co-star" and know exactly what role we want them to play. Before we have even really come to understand who we are, let alone who they are, this means that the other person simply becomes an object to achieve our desires rather than a soul connection we can experience the flow of life with. It is impossible to expect serious depth in a partnership if you choose someone based on superficial reasons, or as a "fixer upper" someone you see potential with but always have to push them to meet you at your level, people will only ever reach us at our level when they are ready.
Countless women when they get what they think they want find that they are still not actually happy. Stuck in a marriage where deeper layer of joy is absent or life becomes a dash to "keep up with the Joneses". Learn to recognise the difference between your honest expression and allowing yourself to be influenced by expectations that don't align with your core values.
It's fabulous to find a man who is handsome and wealthy but when dating ask yourself what does his soul look like?
Does this person share your values? does his temperament compliment yours? is he someone you could count on if times could tough? could you trust him to make good choices? Do you feel you have a deeper sense of purpose together?
Read: If you want an amazing love life stop over thinking I also frequently observe women experiencing an initial spark with a man and over night she begins projecting qualities and ideals on to him, without even really knowing him, almost immediately she starts to fall in love... with a fantasy, when he is unable to meet these expectations she feels resentful and disappointed. It is absolutely worth avoiding quick gratifications for the long term pursuit of happiness.
When you begin to have feelings for someone that is the time to keep your eyes open and keep your centre until you can discern their true character and determine whether the connection can sustain rather than rushing in. We have to learn to be mindful in each moment and deeply involved in our lives yet while practising a level of detachment so that we can more clearly see the options available to us. Experience each new connection, unconcerned about the future and observe without getting too involved too early. When the right relationship presents itself it will soon be obvious. If you rush the process or worry a lot that time is running out it alters your energy and dampens your enthusiasm about meeting new people which means you are not in the perfect mindset to effortlessly attract love. It is far more useful to pour yourself in the things you wish to achieve for yourself and let love find you at the right time. If you are seeking a relationship to "wake you up" make you feel alive and motivated, or so "life can begin" then you may find that the universe keeps finding ways to remind you that this has to come from within first. Ask yourself honestly what your values are, forget what society expects of you and dance to your own tune, seek out those that you have a deeper destiny with. Get in touch with your needs and priorities, do you value independence or stability? What makes you tick?
Be true to yourself, for example don't go clubbing to meet men if you hate it, or wear clothes that are not your style, don't spend hours on dating sites if they make your skin crawl. Instead become more of who you really are.
You don't need to feel fearful because you will attract the right love when you live in harmony and acceptance of yourself. Wait for the man who truly adores you and makes it clear every day. Choose the man who adores you not the one who ignores you Absolutely refuse to chase anyone, I can assure you that the man you are destined for will never walk away easily or make you feel marginalised in his life. So many women I speak to have wasted years trying every trick in the book to get a half-hearted man more interested, he may keep boomeranging back but he never gives her the full depth of connection she is really seeking, in time she comes to feel unworthy due to his unwillingness to really hold her down, we can avoid this by being discerning at the start. I know that there are a million reasons we may hold on, perhaps because in the beginning it was great or he made us feel a type of excitement we hadn't before experienced, or because we believe no one better will come along, when really we are blocking the flow of true love because we refuse to sever an incomplete connection, these situations cause a whole catalogue of intense emotions that keep us hooked.
There is a proverb that says: "if you meet somebody and your heart pounds, your hands shake, your knees go weak, that’s not the one. When you meet your soul mate you’ll feel calm. No anxiety, no agitation" It's true, when you meet someone that is a greater part of your destiny you will know, he will compliment you in miraculous ways, and you will be filled with inner peace and a deep knowing. You won't have to search for him, because the old cliche is true that you find love when you stop searching for it , I have seen women's love lives change dramatically in a day at various ages. Best of all if you have used single time wisely you will both be ready for it, you will be grateful that you didn't allow your head to be turned by more shallow connections before him. The journey to finding true love is about peeling away the layers that hold us back from being our greatest self. When you remain authentic in who you are you will naturally align with someone undeniably compatible. Yes I can coach you to create and build deeper attraction with any man whether you believe he is a greater part of your destiny or not. But I am great believer in entering love consciously in the first place so we have a firm foundation to stand on. Be brave, be willing to reach for more and to transcend any limiting beliefs you have about the type of relationship you can create. Click here to find out more