Updated: Feb 9
I recently had the most adorable client, Bella, she was beautiful, purely good hearted with a sweet and playful personality, She had her life together, a hard working single Mother with a strong social circle, this girl was an absolute catch! Yet she had found herself emotionally chained to a guy who picked her up and dropped her, who was non committal and toyed with her emotions.
The problem was that whenever they were together it was electric, He poured his heart out to her and the friendship and passion were intense, after each encounter he would appear to vanish back in to an abyss leaving her wondering where on earth she stood only to pop back up again later and shower her with attention.
Her initial goal in Coaching sessions was to build more attraction with him and more stability, so we got straight to work on developing a more confident mind set and for a while it worked well, he seemed to take notice and show more interest and devotion, but due to his earlier tendencies and how inconsistent he had been she continued to find it difficult to relax with him, her anxieties and insecurities remained close to the surface and soon she became resentful and confronted him. Things went downhill from there, his true colours emerged and she saw how self absorbed and untrustworthy his character was. So she returned to me with a new goal; she wished to get over him instead, still she found herself very much in limbo unable to set strong boundaries, it was difficult as he would still re-enter her life and confuse her, as a result her healing was slow and tedious.
I really do feel for women in this situation and although I can hold her hand through it and teach her how to feel stronger and more in control, even to get a luke-warm guy stepping up his game, sometimes we just have to accept that we can't force someone to care about us, we can't force someone to be loyal, we can't force them to be sincere and we cannot force someone to be what we need them to be, Sometimes we have to accept that the person we want the most, is the person we need the least and that holding on is hurting way more than letting go. Over the years I have rarely seen highly dysfunctional dating situations turn in to healthy and well functioning relationships, in fact people always tend to show us who they are so if you are feeling emotional neglected or played early on it can be a very good signal of the dysfunctions that will plague you later if you do enter in a more serious relationship with that person, which will be far more painful and life impacting. Dating is about learning about our compatibility with someone and the happiness we can potentially bring to each other as a couple. It is our responsibility to honour red flags and to know where we will draw the line, despite the intensity of our feelings.
At some point I think we all ignore the warnings about a person, or the pangs of anxiety from our gut and suffer the consequences of ignoring our intuition, it's like a rite of passage which becomes a cautionary tale we can pass on to others. Yet when we try to explain to others that love is not meant to hurt quite so much, some will blatantly ignore us while others hear the message but are perhaps not ready to feel it yet. It's also easy to come up with a million reasons as to why a man may be distant or treat us with less appreciation than we deserve because his work is so hectic, or his ex destroyed him and now he is afraid to love, or because despite the off the charts connection, he is afraid to commit. But the bottom line and the sad truth is, if a man is not prioritising you, it is simply because he is not prioritising you. Even men ruling nations, fighting great injustices or living high flying jet setting lifestyles have found space in their lives for love and marriage.
So don't allow yourself to prioritise someone who is only treating you as an option, who holds on so loosely that he doesn't seem to mind if he loses you. Even worse if he's trying to manoeuvre you in to a position where he does bare minimum for you until he senses that you might be losing interest so he increases his efforts to reel you back in, only to return to the same hot and cold self absorbed nonsense once he knows he has your attention back on him. Months and even years can slip by like this, which causes your self esteem to deplete gradually. Sometimes even having a negative impact on the next relationship with a more loving and stable man. Generally women dealing with an emotionally unavailable man will fixate on solutions, then become resentful when he isn't more loving towards her, or she ends living for the moments where there is some spark of hope with him, she ends up feeling like she is constantly waiting for her life to begin, and that's a trap, life is always happening right now.
It's worrying to observe that some guys who do this seem to do it with eyes wide open. When a guy manipulates you to the point where he can walk in and out of your life, and is constantly on your mind, he selfishly blocks the door way for true love to enter for you that could make you ecstatically happy, all the while refusing to give you the love you deserve himself, starving your needs while satisfying his own insecure need for validation...never let anyone block your light and your flow that way.
You can always spot these guys if you pay attention because it is all about them even in the moments they express vulnerability or insecurity about themselves it feels like they are just fishing for an ego stroking. You rarely feel deeply admired or if you do, it's only at his convenience. A charming man isn't always a good man and in spite of knowing this some of us still really struggle to let go, we become hooked on the addictive highs of his attention and allow his interest level to become a barometer to our self worth.
Whenever we allow ourselves to become trapped by a situation that is not meant for us, that has proven itself hopeless and ultimately much more painful than pleasant, the universe will generally make life so uncomfortable for us, that it becomes a case of let go or be dragged, the longer we attempt to cling the more we suffer.
When love has become unrequited or a miserable state of limbo you must have the courage not to stay in denial trying to make it work, but to accept that there is something better out there in the world for you, you may not understand now why this didn't work out, but later you will.
Back when I was dating I made a quiet rule that if any guy started ignoring me or treating me as an afterthought, I would just walk away, no fuss, no trying to make him see what he lost. I would simply make it all about me again, even if it was hard. Because deep inside I knew I deserved more and so do you... Sometimes life doesn't give you what you want, not because you don't deserve it, but because you deserve more.
You deserve laughter, romance, great sex, loyalty, mind blowing conversations, a partner in crime, and an epic love story, someone who will never leave you questioning what you are worth to them. You deserve someone is sure about you from the beginning.
These days it seems like we live in a culture where we are virtually conditioned to accept such a low standard in dating, we will give a guy endless chances to meet us half way and still blame ourselves when it doesn't work out. Almost every friend we have is dealing with or has been dealing with some emotionally unavailable, hot and cold guy, it has become normality for us. Aren't you sick of it? I know I am. I am tired of seeing my friends and clients feeling so upset and dejected, or entering patterns of lousy "situation-ships" where they never really find the happiness they are seeking. It is time for us to collectively raise our standards and set a good example for our little sisters and daughters, because seriously, once we get to the point where we simply roll our eyes and yawn at these half hearted, inconsistent or game playing men, they will have to fall back and work on themselves in order to make their influence felt, and the men who are ready to give you consistent love and loyalty can emerge, it is up to us to learn enough self love that we are automatically turned off by those who do not want the best for us.
You may be holding on waiting for a guy to release you, one way or another to decide the fate of your future with him, but you need to take the decision out of his indecisive hands and know that if he was truly the one, there would be no hesitation. The greatest closure comes from realising that you deserve the best in life and closing the door yourself. If they behave as though they can live without you, let them.
Discover the hidden "gap" in the mind of every man... a gap that explains what they *really* want in a woman, and why it rarely works out.
If you find yourself constantly frustrated with men, and just want a real connection with a man that loves you for you, you NEED to get in touch...
Jade Isabelle is a Certified Life Coach and Relationship Consultant based in the UK, She has over a decade of experience in helping women to build confidence in themselves and attraction with men. You can contact us now to book a session by phone, from the comfort of your own home or on the go!