"I am so angry right now, my boyfriend and I have been together for six months, but he has this female friend, they dated briefly before we met but it was over when we got together. The thing that's bugging me is she hangs out in all the same circles as him. I have a gut feeling that seeing him with someone else is making her want him back. He reassures me that he's not interested in her, that he loves me and he is a good boyfriend, but lately we are arguing more and more, because every time he goes out with friends I know she will be there. He also said she texts him sometimes. I don't trust her, I think she wants to break us up. I think the only way we can get past this is if he stops seeing her. Please help! " - Hannah Hannah, As women we are always wise to trust our gut feelings, if you are not generally a jealous person and you have a sense that this woman has an agenda then you may be right, this is a potentially delicate situation though and it is important to handle it in a way that brings you closer. Firstly it seems that your boyfriend is doing his best by you, he is being open about her, and this is crucial because people don't tend to behave transparently if they are up to no good, or if they are thinking about it. He also chose to begin a relationship with you despite her still being in his life, so essentially he chose you over her. You are the one who has his love and devotion and this puts you in a real position of strength, even though right now you feel helpless. If you start laying down ultimatums or continue arguing with him about her it is going to cause a rift between you over time, which will weaken your relationship. It also puts more focus on her...Why give a female rival that sort of influence? We receive more of what we focus on, by arguing with him and acting insecure about her you are only attracting more reasons to feel insecure, essentially you are inviting her in. I know it seems like "laying down the law" and asking him not to see her is the strong and logical thing to do, but really it isn't. If you create strife with him, it's going to push him to want to spend more time out with friends simply to escape and blow off steam, it will also open up a conflict between you that could help her get closer, to sympathise and comfort him when he needs to get away from his demanding girlfriend. Yes, in doing this you could end up actually pushing him towards her! It is human nature to rebel, when someone tells us not to do something we want to do it even more, in the end he will be more focused on being around his friends, wondering what he is missing and feeling resentful like a little boy who got grounded, so not attractive! Chances are this man is not going to want to give up his friendships for his relationship, that's a choice no emotionally healthy person wants to make, if you blow this up in to something huge, he may even feel like he has to become secretive about their friendship which will fuel the fire. In a situation like this there is only one thing you can do: You have to be the better woman. Instead of focusing on her, shift your focus back to you and him, work on building an even greater connection than you have already, you can't do this while you are operating from your lower energy (insecurity/jealousy/anger) Instead inject fun in to your lives, plan interesting events you can do together, be playful and passionate with each other, create new memories, share experiences. This does not mean bending over backwards to please him constantly and being overly agreeable, those behaviors come from fear, be authentic, tap back into the confidence that attracted him to you initially.
Work to keep your energy centered and don't stop doing the things you love, keep up with your hobbies, keep seeing your friends, continue with your exercise regime, or whatever makes you feel good, keep your vibration high. Whenever you begin to worry about her, distract yourself, meditate, call a friend or go for a long walk, the more you allow yourself to worry the more it will continue to dominate your thoughts and drive you crazy. In turn these negative feelings will spill over in to your relationship. Try not to start acting suspicious of him, he hasn't given you any reason to distrust him, you may not trust her but without his consent, nothing can develop between them. Countless times women in these types of situations immediately drop into a competitive emotional combat with their female rival and both find themselves looking petty, avoid that at all costs. Don't insist on being present every time he goes out, but if he invites you along, great! You can show his other friends how caring, charming and fun you are and hopefully you too will become part of their circle, lessening this woman's impact even more. Make a promise to yourself that for at least three weeks, you will not talk about her, allow yourself to argue with him over her, or worry incessantly about her.
Whenever you feel anxious gently bring your attention back to your own life, back to yourself and your relationship. Wait and see, after this time you will feel more confident, calmer and happier. If you follow these steps, In time this woman will cease to become any real part of your reality, all because you refused to give attention to her, and because you didn't dish out ultimatums, become hostile or accusatory, your man will still feel like he can be open with you about all aspects of his life.
No guy is going to leave a great relationship that makes him happy for a woman from his past who failed to keep him interested. You already have his heart for good reasons, focus on that and your relationship will only improve further. If your guy starts to act shady or you think there is genuinely something going on between him and this woman then that is a totally different situation, but as long as he isn't giving you cause for concern and is willing to reassure you and remain open, try not to get on his case too much as the empowered approach is always the best way to deal with this sort of thing. Contact me now to book a coaching session tailored to your love life